"Split my sides laughing" - The Joke Thread.

13

Comments

  • Posts: 7,641
    "Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
    "No," I said.
    She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

    "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
    "No," I said.
    She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

    "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
    "No," I said, intrigued.




    "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 It was this or the priesthood.
    Posts: 28,231
    Have you had a bit too much to drink lately, @SaintMark?
  • Two newlyweds go to a fine hotel. The husband walks up to the desk clerk and says "My wife and I just got married, and would like a room for the night". The clerk says "Do you want our bridal". The husband says, "Nah. I'll just hold onto her by the ears until she gets the hang of it".
  • edited October 2013 Posts: 7,641
    Have you had a bit too much to drink lately, @SaintMark?

    Nope, just ran into stuff that really made me laugh.

    When I drink I am sure I am dead sexy and start hitting on other women than my wife, she kind of does not like that. Not sure why.
    So, I do not drink anymore I am sticking to the soft stuff these days

  • Posts: 6,396
    Husband walks into his home carrying a duck under his arm and is greeted by his wife.
    "This is the pig I've been sleeping with" he says. "That's not a pig, it's a duck" the wife replies. "I wasn't talking to you" says the husband.
  • Posts: 4,742
    One day, a sailor decided to get married. But he had a problem, you see : he wanted a faithful wife, and the trouble is, sailor's wives are notoriously unfaithful. So, he figured that the best way to get a faithful wife would be to choose one who didn't know anything about ships, sailors, or anything to do with the sea. So, in order to find one, he took an oar, put it on his shoulder, and started roaming the countryside. And to each young woman he met, he asked the same question : "What do I have on my shoulder ?". Unfortunately, every time, the answer came : "It's an oar", said one. "It's a paddle", said another. "It's a scull", said a third. And so on, for God knows how many days, weeks and months.

    Then, one day, during his travels, he arrived at a small hamlet, nested in a valley surrounded by high mountains. And there, he met the most beautiful girl in the world. Knowing what her answer would be, he still asked her : "What do I have on my shoulder ?" And the girl answered : "It's a baker's shovel." Knowing by her answer that he had found the woman of his life, the sailor courted the mountain girl, and soon, wedding bells rang.

    Came the wedding night. The couple was all set to go to bed, when the new bride asked her husband :
    "On which side of the bed will you sleep, darling ? Port or Starboard ?"
  • Posts: 19,339
    1505631_10152248666315505_1117203127_n.jpg
  • BMW_with_missilesBMW_with_missiles All the usual refinements.
    Posts: 2,989
    83bdf37e5f4d35b7f46e55e034054009.jpg
  • RichardTheBruceRichardTheBruce I'm motivated by my Duty.
    Posts: 8,951
    I've heard this in different forms.

    Bond is at the casino bar talking things up with a beautiful lady agent, but fiddling with his watch. She asks what he's doing.

    "Oh, this is the latest gadget from Q Branch--a watch that gives me heightened detail for my surroundings. Can be very useful."

    "So what's it telling you right now?" she purrs.

    "Well, I can share that I know you're not wearing any panties," Bond whispers.

    She giggles. "James, I can assure you I AM wearing undergarments, thank you."

    OO7 taps the crystal of his watch in frustration. "Dammit, Q! Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
    xl_Omega-Seamaster-300-Spectre-2-650-80.jpg

  • Posts: 11,175
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Hamburg, near the Atlantic Hotel
    Posts: 6,010
    One of the rare moments when I truly wished I'd have some subtitles. I probably understood less than half of it. (Full disclosure: 9 years of English in German school, one year exchange at U.S. high school, constant work with international student exchange organisation, 10+ years in legal department of multinational corporation, another ten as private attorney with foreign contacts, 15+ years of movies in OF ... and yet. That accent killed me.)

    So what was the punchline?
  • Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar...






















    ...and doesn't.
  • A mans car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

    The monks accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

    The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

    Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

    The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
    The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

    The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

    The man sets about his task.

    After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

    "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

    The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

    Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

    The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
    With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
  • edited February 2017 Posts: 11,175
    j_w_pepper wrote: »
    One of the rare moments when I truly wished I'd have some subtitles. I probably understood less than half of it. (Full disclosure: 9 years of English in German school, one year exchange at U.S. high school, constant work with international student exchange organisation, 10+ years in legal department of multinational corporation, another ten as private attorney with foreign contacts, 15+ years of movies in OF ... and yet. That accent killed me.)

    So what was the punchline?

    The final man to be questioned in heaven was "in this fridge minding his own business" (i.e. he was the one the first man was looking for).
  • Posts: 4,807
    I saw my midget neighbor waiting by the bus stop so I said 'hop in, I'll give you a lift!'

    He said 'go to hell'!
    What a jerk! So I zipped up my backpack and kept walking!
  • Posts: 1,094
    I crashed my bike into an old lady this morning.
    "Can't you use your bell?" She said
    "Yes" I replied. "But I can't ride my bike"
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Kingdumb of Norway
    Posts: 41,309
    comics-WUMO-singing-912230.jpeg
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Kingdumb of Norway
    Posts: 41,309
    enQEZnx.png
  • *NOT SAFE FOR WORK* NSFW NSFW NSFW

    A white guy named Joe is in love with a woman named Wendy. He wants to propose to her. Rather than getting her an engagement ring, he gets her name tattooed to his penis. When he is erect, his penis spells out W-E-N-D-Y. When he is flaccid, his penis spells out W-Y.

    Joe goes home, drops his pants and says "Wendy, I love you, will you marry me?" She happily obliges, and they get married. They decide to take their honeymoon on a nude beach in Jamaica.

    On the beautiful nude beach, Joe decides to get a beverage from the beachside bar. He orders his drink, and watches the bartender - a Jamaican man who is also nude - fixes it up. Joe notices that the bartender also has a tattoo with "W-Y" on his penis.

    "Well, look at that!" Joe says. "We both have wives named Wendy, and got their names tattooed to our dicks."

    The Jamaican bartender looks at him in confusion and replies "That doesn't say 'Wendy', it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.'"
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Kingdumb of Norway
    Posts: 41,309
    Top-40-Minion-Jokes-famous-a.jpg
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Kingdumb of Norway
    Posts: 41,309
    ONTqyXg.png
  • *NOT SAFE FOR WORK* NSFW NSFW NSFW

    A white guy named Joe is in love with a woman named Wendy. He wants to propose to her. Rather than getting her an engagement ring, he gets her name tattooed to his penis. When he is erect, his penis spells out W-E-N-D-Y. When he is flaccid, his penis spells out W-Y.

    Joe goes home, drops his pants and says "Wendy, I love you, will you marry me?" She happily obliges, and they get married. They decide to take their honeymoon on a nude beach in Jamaica.

    On the beautiful nude beach, Joe decides to get a beverage from the beachside bar. He orders his drink, and watches the bartender - a Jamaican man who is also nude - fixes it up. Joe notices that the bartender also has a tattoo with "W-Y" on his penis.

    "Well, look at that!" Joe says. "We both have wives named Wendy, and got their names tattooed to our dicks."

    The Jamaican bartender looks at him in confusion and replies "That doesn't say 'Wendy', it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.'"

    bump
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 It was this or the priesthood.
    Posts: 28,231
    Uncontrollable riverdance syndrome is actually no laughing matter, and a serious issue today. Both the north and south Ireland have experienced continual outbreaks of it for over a century now and there's even scientific theories out there claiming that the first epidemic of uncontrollable riverdance syndrome was a byproduct of the potato famine in those lands so very long ago. Uncontrollable riverdance syndrome has only spread since then, in other parts of the UK and Europe and of course in the United States as the Irish made their way over as immigrants and brought new epidemics about on my native soil. There are even conspiracy theories that uncontrollable riverdance syndrome got so out of control in the states that it single handedly killed disco in the 70s after the jitter that the condition gives you overtook the dance scene and became a new craze far into the 80s and early 90s.

    Crazy how much our world has been formed by this little known but widely impactful syndrome.
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Kingdumb of Norway
    Posts: 41,309
    In that case I apologize!
  • DragonpolDragonpol The Crazy World of David Dragonpol
    Posts: 14,644
    *NOT SAFE FOR WORK* NSFW NSFW NSFW

    A white guy named Joe is in love with a woman named Wendy. He wants to propose to her. Rather than getting her an engagement ring, he gets her name tattooed to his penis. When he is erect, his penis spells out W-E-N-D-Y. When he is flaccid, his penis spells out W-Y.

    Joe goes home, drops his pants and says "Wendy, I love you, will you marry me?" She happily obliges, and they get married. They decide to take their honeymoon on a nude beach in Jamaica.

    On the beautiful nude beach, Joe decides to get a beverage from the beachside bar. He orders his drink, and watches the bartender - a Jamaican man who is also nude - fixes it up. Joe notices that the bartender also has a tattoo with "W-Y" on his penis.

    "Well, look at that!" Joe says. "We both have wives named Wendy, and got their names tattooed to our dicks."

    The Jamaican bartender looks at him in confusion and replies "That doesn't say 'Wendy', it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.'"

    bump

    Yes, we need to read that twice.
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 It was this or the priesthood.
    Posts: 28,231
    Dragonpol wrote: »
    *NOT SAFE FOR WORK* NSFW NSFW NSFW

    A white guy named Joe is in love with a woman named Wendy. He wants to propose to her. Rather than getting her an engagement ring, he gets her name tattooed to his penis. When he is erect, his penis spells out W-E-N-D-Y. When he is flaccid, his penis spells out W-Y.

    Joe goes home, drops his pants and says "Wendy, I love you, will you marry me?" She happily obliges, and they get married. They decide to take their honeymoon on a nude beach in Jamaica.

    On the beautiful nude beach, Joe decides to get a beverage from the beachside bar. He orders his drink, and watches the bartender - a Jamaican man who is also nude - fixes it up. Joe notices that the bartender also has a tattoo with "W-Y" on his penis.

    "Well, look at that!" Joe says. "We both have wives named Wendy, and got their names tattooed to our dicks."

    The Jamaican bartender looks at him in confusion and replies "That doesn't say 'Wendy', it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.'"

    bump

    Yes, we need to read that twice.

    Laughed harder at your comment than at the joke, @Dragonpol. Nicely done. :))
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Kingdumb of Norway
    Posts: 41,309
    Dragonpol wrote: »
    *NOT SAFE FOR WORK* NSFW NSFW NSFW

    A white guy named Joe is in love with a woman named Wendy. He wants to propose to her. Rather than getting her an engagement ring, he gets her name tattooed to his penis. When he is erect, his penis spells out W-E-N-D-Y. When he is flaccid, his penis spells out W-Y.

    Joe goes home, drops his pants and says "Wendy, I love you, will you marry me?" She happily obliges, and they get married. They decide to take their honeymoon on a nude beach in Jamaica.

    On the beautiful nude beach, Joe decides to get a beverage from the beachside bar. He orders his drink, and watches the bartender - a Jamaican man who is also nude - fixes it up. Joe notices that the bartender also has a tattoo with "W-Y" on his penis.

    "Well, look at that!" Joe says. "We both have wives named Wendy, and got their names tattooed to our dicks."

    The Jamaican bartender looks at him in confusion and replies "That doesn't say 'Wendy', it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.'"

    bump

    Yes, we need to read that twice.

    Bump
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Kingdumb of Norway
    Posts: 41,309
    jack-the-stripper-run-fools_o_934095.jpg
  • DragonpolDragonpol The Crazy World of David Dragonpol
    edited June 2018 Posts: 14,644
    There actually was a Jack the Stripper in real life as I seem to recall.
  • Posts: 19,339
    Dragonpol wrote: »
    There actually was a Jack the Stripper in real life as I seem recall.

    There was ,in the 60's.
    He used to undress every prostitute he killed,hence the name.
Sign In or Register to comment.