The most ineffective henchman in a Bond film!

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  • edited January 2013 Posts: 3,494
    BAIN123 wrote:
    Elvis (didn't do anything other than get tripped up by Gemma Arterton)
    Mr Kil (failed to kill Jinx when given the chance, had a stupid name and was only in a couple of scenes).
    Scarpine (did little in the actual film and ended up getting knocked out by Stacey Sutton of all people)
    Dr Mortner (dropped the stick of dynamite at the crucial moment - something out of a Road Runner cartoon)

    Other than fixing your misspelling (it's Mortner not Mortimer)- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Mortner was a bit of a bumbler in the end, but he really knew what he was doing for the most part with the steroids and discovering there was an intruder in his lab. I LOVE Dr. Mortner, his updated Dr. Frankenstein is among the best parts of the movie for me!

    The rest I'd agree with and would substitute MR Jaws on that list.

  • I'll also vote Elvis. Complete pointless character. No substance, no purpose, no point.
  • Posts: 13,660
    Quantum07 wrote:
    Quantum07 wrote:
    Does anyone think Elvis was the one who drowned Fields?

    I think it was at least what had been intended. It is very likely that Elvis was intended to be a Oddjob-like character, or maybe more a Vargas/Kaufman/Witt/Kidd badguy: doing dirty jobs for Greene, looking ridiculous and unthreatening, which paradoxically makes him all the more sinister. Unfortunately, unlike Vargas and the others, he never did anything to convince us that there something beneath the ridiculous appearance. Had we seen kidnapping Fields, that would have been much different.
  • edited January 2013 Posts: 3,494
    Unfortunately we'll never know if Elvis actually did that, or participate in the beating of Mathis either for that matter due to the shortened script and run time. It could only have helped to see him in action as opposed to being some big goofy lug with a bad toupee.

    I'm going to have to borrow that "Terror Has A New Name- Elvis!" for my QOS review in the original thread, most of that review sucked but that was f'n hilarious! :)) :)) :))
  • TheWizardOfIceTheWizardOfIce 'One of the Internet's more toxic individuals'
    Posts: 9,117
    Quantum07 wrote:
    Quantum07 wrote:
    Does anyone think Elvis was the one who drowned Fields?

    Not sure what your point is even if he did (and theres absolutely zero evidence to suggest it).

    Would Oddjob have been a legend had he just covered Jill in gold paint? Of course not - he backed it up with action: Bond smack in the back of the head, Jill killed, golf ball crushed, statue decapitated, Tilly hat in the neck, Mr Solo at point blank range and then squished for good measure, Kisch over the edge you go and then finally lets have it right here, right now, to the death you and me Sean!!

    Thats proper henching Elvis. Even if you actually did manage to drown a slip of a girl in a barrel of oil off screen without snivelling youre still a disgrace to the profession.

    But heres a thought - what about that bit at the gate when he tells that bloke off for letting Bond give him his card, 'pay attention next time'? Would you let Elvis talk to you like that? Is it possible we have a worse contender? A guy who gets bossed around by the court jester of henchmen? Thats embarrassing.
  • If Elvis is a nobody, the gate guard is even less than that (:|
  • Posts: 4,746
    Kisch from Goldfinger
    Quist from Thunderball
    Helga Brandt from You Only Live Twice
    Bert Saxby from Diamonds Are Forever
    Kra from The Man with the Golden Gun
    Davidov from The World is not Enough
    Gabor from The World is not Enough
    Vlad from Die Another Day
    Elvis from Quantum of Solace
  • Posts: 1,310
    Right when I saw the first four words of the title of this thread I IMMEDIATELY thought of Elvis: The worst Bond henchman in the history of the world. ;)
  • Posts: 5,745
    What came to my mind were the guys on Silva's Island. Not really one henchmen, but really they just carried Bond around and then died. Pretty worthless. But I guess Patrice was Silva's henchmen-for-hire?

    But yes, Elvis is THE one. But then again, all that bald guy in CR did was cut something from Bond's arm. I guess that's still one better than Elvis.

  • Posts: 13,660
    00Beast wrote:
    Vlad from Die Another Day

    Oh I forgot Vlad!

    Maybe we are too hard on Elvis and the others too. After all, many henchmen basically stand around looking mean. Not that Elvis was great by any stretch of the imagination, but there are many who ended up being dispatched easily and were inept. That guy Largo fed to the shark for instance. I guess in his case he was meant to be inept.

  • Posts: 11,175
    Vlad did design that glove which would have killed Bond had Gustav not stopped.Elvis is worse as he really does NOTHING!
  • Posts: 13,660
    BAIN123 wrote:
    Vlad did design that glove which would have killed Bond had Gustav not stopped.Elvis is worse as he really does NOTHING!

    THAT glove? The Vlad is the worst. Because that glove is ridiculous. Had he designed a special mixer for mayonaise at least he would have been useful.
  • Posts: 4,746
    Ludovico wrote:
    BAIN123 wrote:
    Vlad did design that glove which would have killed Bond had Gustav not stopped.Elvis is worse as he really does NOTHING!

    THAT glove? The Vlad is the worst. Because that glove is ridiculous. Had he designed a special mixer for mayonaise at least he would have been useful.

    Vlad is pretty lame, when you get down to it! At the very least, and I do mean least, Elvis somewhat attempted to thwart Bond's advancement by pointing a gun in the right direction. Who knew that hydrogen tank would blow up and take him out? Haha! Vlad's death, on the other hand, is the most laughable death of any henchman in the whole series!
  • My vote goes to Elvis...his highlights are: getting tripped down a flight of stairs, and then getting incinerated.....utterly useless!
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 I've missed you all.
    Posts: 28,470
    Good god. No wonder Elvis left the building. You chaps are rough.
  • 002002
    Posts: 581
    Nataylia- She bitched slap Boris pretty hard
    Christmas Jones- attempted to take on Renard to protect bond
  • Posts: 135
    Quantum07 wrote:
    Quantum07 wrote:
    Does anyone think Elvis was the one who drowned Fields?

    Not sure what your point is even if he did (and theres absolutely zero evidence to suggest it).

    Would Oddjob have been a legend had he just covered Jill in gold paint? Of course not - he backed it up with action: Bond smack in the back of the head, Jill killed, golf ball crushed, statue decapitated, Tilly hat in the neck, Mr Solo at point blank range and then squished for good measure, Kisch over the edge you go and then finally lets have it right here, right now, to the death you and me Sean!!
    Thats proper henching Elvis. Even if you actually did manage to drown a slip of a girl in a barrel of oil off screen without snivelling youre still a disgrace to the profession.

    But heres a thought - what about that bit at the gate when he tells that bloke off for letting Bond give him his card, 'pay attention next time'? Would you let Elvis talk to you like that? Is it possible we have a worse contender? A guy who gets bossed around by the court jester of henchmen? Thats embarrassing.

    Wow, what a riveting comparison between Oddjobb and Elvis! =D> That really clears up a lot of my confusion. Could you compare FRWL and NSNA next? I can't decide which is the better Connery film... 8-|

    Obviously Elvis is a well below average henchman, but after all of the hate he's receiving on this thread i think it would be interesting to think about potential positives like his possible role in Field's death. The catalyst for Field's death is her running interference with Elvis at Greene's party; she exposed herself and put a big target right on her head. Elvis had motive to kill her, and Greene doesn't seem like the do-it-yourself type of villain. I think it's safe to conclude that Elvis played a role in her death, and I think that at least having 1 kill under his belt should put him above some of the other nominees for worst henchman. Yeah Elvis didn't do anything right in QoS... but he arguably didn't do anything wrong either.

    Edit: Him enjoying the Tosca opera was pretty funny too.
  • Somebody put Oddjob down, in this here 'most ineffective henchman' thread ?

    Don't understand that at all. Ok, he didn't do much, but what an intimidating screen presence, and taking the head off the statue at the golf club for example. He's one main reason why I even bother to watch Goldfinger now. A truly memorable Bond adversary, and one of the best ever, that deserves a place in the 'villains hall of fame'

    Elvis deserves all the ridicule mentioned. A totally inept character, devoid of life or interest, and he looked as much at home as a James Bond villain, - or threatening - as Doris Day

    Boris Grishenko and Gabor have also been mentioned. How the thump did I forget to mention them at first response ?
  • By ineffectve - as in failing to effect anything, kill any one, do anything, be in any way threatening, if it is possible to fail on more than all fronts, Elvis certainly achieves that.
  • TheWizardOfIceTheWizardOfIce 'One of the Internet's more toxic individuals'
    Posts: 9,117
    Quantum07 wrote:
    Wow, what a riveting comparison between Oddjobb and Elvis! =D> That really clears up a lot of my confusion.

    Glad to be of assistance. As an Elvis apologist it was clear you were struggling to work it out.
    Quantum07 wrote:

    Obviously Elvis is a well below average henchman, but after all of the hate he's receiving on this thread i think it would be interesting to think about potential positives like his possible role in Field's death. The catalyst for Field's death is her running interference with Elvis at Greene's party; she exposed herself and put a big target right on her head. Elvis had motive to kill her, and Greene doesn't seem like the do-it-yourself type of villain. I think it's safe to conclude that Elvis played a role in her death, and I think that at least having 1 kill under his belt should put him above some of the other nominees for worst henchman. Yeah Elvis didn't do anything right in QoS... but he arguably didn't do anything wrong either.

    You're just speculating here. Thats no defence.

    People say Stewart Downing is an England international and who knows maybe in training he is. But on the pitch hes shit.

    We can theorise that Elvis can be Hannibal Lecter off screen, we all know he had a rambling back story that never made it so we can throw in he liked to skin babies as well if you really desire. Doesnt change the fact that in the film he does nothing. The only thing he does to further the plot is phone Bond so that he can trace Greene and the gate guy could just as easily do that. So in fact his one and only meaningful act in the film is far from a positive as you say. Its an act of gormlessness to put Bond on the trail of his boss. Yes I know plenty of Bond henchmen are inept but they at least offer some threat in return.

    If you want to say that Elvis killed Fields without any evidence to suggest that means hes not the shittest henchman of all time then I can just as easily counter with Kriegler was a serial killer who racked up more bodies than Shipman or the bald guy in CR was in Savile and Glitters paedo ring so they still beat Elvis. Just inventing unoprovable facts to back up your theory is hardly a tenable position (although thats one of the basic pillars of logic upon which the religious rely so maybe I'm wrong).

    Youre accusing Elvis of murder just because he hung around with Greene who was bad news and Fields, who was plainly in league with Bond, accidentally tripped him up. You'd be laughed out of court.

    Oddjob - kills people on screen.
    Wint and Kidd - kill people on screen.
    Jaws - kills people on screen.
    Necros..... etc etc etc

    A Bond henchman is major league Elvis and saying you once batted .350 in a local park when no one was looking aint going to cut it. Got to deliver on the night and that means doing it on screen so we can see what a badass you are.

    If you're to get him off the charge of worst henchman in history Quantum07 you're going to have to come up with something more material than just wild speculation on what he might have done when the camera was inconveniently not on him.

    By ineffectve - as in failing to effect anything, kill any one, do anything, be in any way threatening, if it is possible to fail on more than all fronts, Elvis certainly achieves that.

    This is a pretty succinct way of summing up the character.
  • Ludovico wrote:
    BAIN123 wrote:
    Vlad did design that glove which would have killed Bond had Gustav not stopped.Elvis is worse as he really does NOTHING!

    THAT glove? The Vlad is the worst. Because that glove is ridiculous. Had he designed a special mixer for mayonaise at least he would have been useful.

    Does Vlad even count as a henchman? He's more like a butler.

    Still, that glove, while a pretty stupid idea, came much closer to killing Bond than Elvis ever did so Vlad wins.
  • TheWizardOfIceTheWizardOfIce 'One of the Internet's more toxic individuals'
    edited January 2013 Posts: 9,117
    Ludovico wrote:
    BAIN123 wrote:
    Vlad did design that glove which would have killed Bond had Gustav not stopped.Elvis is worse as he really does NOTHING!

    THAT glove? The Vlad is the worst. Because that glove is ridiculous. Had he designed a special mixer for mayonaise at least he would have been useful.

    Does Vlad even count as a henchman? He's more like a butler.

    Still, that glove, while a pretty stupid idea, came much closer to killing Bond than Elvis ever did so Vlad wins.

    I wouldnt say Vlad is a henchman. Hes a scientist employed by the villain. The henchman is there for phyiscal intimidation and wet work. This isnt Vlads job description at all. Might as well say Kotze in TB or Gupta in TND are henchmen if Vlad is.

    Perhaps we are being altogether too harsh on old Elvis. Perhaps his job is not henchman at all? Perhaps hes just Greenes PA, or the his chauffeur or just his bumpkin, unemployable in the real world cousin?

    Maybe killing is not his thing at all? Hes just a frustrated opera fan whose cousin has dragged him into this murky world?
  • AliAli
    edited January 2013 Posts: 319
    I know she's meant to be comic relief, is a bit part and has become mildly iconic, but...
    Goldfinger-Varley-Thomas-little-old-lady-machine-gun-gatekeeper.png
    Shooting the sky is not very helpful and the fact that Connory crashed when faced with this obviously absolutely terrifying....er.... granny, adds more weight to my opinion that he's a rubbish Bond. ,
  • DrunkIrishPoetDrunkIrishPoet The Amber Coast
    Posts: 149
    Nic Nac in Golden Gun, for sure! The man gets stuffed into a suitcase, for crying out loud!
  • Posts: 1,098
    Nic Nac in Golden Gun, for sure! The man gets stuffed into a suitcase, for crying out loud!

    True........but i also seem to remember him knocking 007 out...............sumo scene in garden.........does it ring any bells?....and i dont mean the one's in Bonds head at the time....haha

  • Posts: 13,660
    Ludovico wrote:
    BAIN123 wrote:
    Vlad did design that glove which would have killed Bond had Gustav not stopped.Elvis is worse as he really does NOTHING!

    THAT glove? The Vlad is the worst. Because that glove is ridiculous. Had he designed a special mixer for mayonaise at least he would have been useful.

    Does Vlad even count as a henchman? He's more like a butler.

    Still, that glove, while a pretty stupid idea, came much closer to killing Bond than Elvis ever did so Vlad wins.

    I wouldnt say Vlad is a henchman. Hes a scientist employed by the villain. The henchman is there for phyiscal intimidation and wet work. This isnt Vlads job description at all. Might as well say Kotze in TB or Gupta in TND are henchmen if Vlad is.

    Perhaps we are being altogether too harsh on old Elvis. Perhaps his job is not henchman at all? Perhaps hes just Greenes PA, or the his chauffeur or just his bumpkin, unemployable in the real world cousin?

    Maybe killing is not his thing at all? Hes just a frustrated opera fan whose cousin has dragged him into this murky world?

    Maybe Elvis is no henchman, but I think he was meant to be. I think he may have been written in QOS to have someone Greene could talk/give orders to, a bit like Alfred for Batman.
  • Posts: 4,746
    Nic Nac in Golden Gun, for sure! The man gets stuffed into a suitcase, for crying out loud!

    I agree with you that Nick Nack is pretty lame, I mean he really is, but I have to give him points for actually being fairly competent. As @mepal1 already mentioned, he does successfully knock Bond out and hand him over to Hai Fat. He also successfully steals the Solex Agitator from Gibson's dead body and hands it over to Scaramanga, which is at least half of the entire plot and reason for Bond to go to Scaramanga's island at the end of the movie, so he gets major points for that. Furthermore, he keeps Bond from going anywhere or doing anything at the kickboxing arena when Scaramanga confronts him. Is he the greatest henchman of all time? Is he even top ten worthy? No, not in my opinion, but he is actually competent!
  • Posts: 2,341
    Ludovico wrote:
    Ali wrote:
    I always thought Jaws, while iconic to the series, was quite rubbish. His method of assassination involves moving very slowly towards people with his hands raised up like Dracula and, if the person is stupid enough to stay in one place, he slowly bites them on the neck. Anyone with a half a braincell would realise how easy it would be to just, you know, run away....


    Funny, when I was very young I saw a bit of Moonraker, the scene in the Rio carnaval, and thought it was a vampire movie.

    LOL
  • Posts: 6,432
    BAIN123 wrote:
    Elvis (didn't do anything other than get tripped up by Gemma Arterton)
    Mr Kil (failed to kill Jinx when given the chance, had a stupid name and was only in a couple of scenes).
    Scarpine (did little in the actual film and ended up getting knocked out by Stacey Sutton of all people)
    Dr Mortimer (dropped the stick of dynamite at the crucial moment - something out of a Road Runner cartoon)

    Elvis completely useless gets my vote.

    One of the most senseless things for any character or characters to do in a bond movie, must be Dr Mortimer and Scarpine fighting over a stick of dynamite in Zorins blimp.
  • 00Beast wrote:
    Haha! Vlad's death, on the other hand, is the most laughable death of any henchman in the whole series!

    How did Vlad die? I seem to have forgotten :)

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