Things We've Learned from…..Spectre

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  • edited April 2015 Posts: 1,778
    Alright gents. This is it. The big one. The Mac Daddy. The bottom of the barrel. If we can't break NSNA's record of 97 and atleast crack 100 with this turkey than we're simply cutting it too much slack.
    I just want to say that I haven't seen this train wreck in it's entirety in atleast 7 or 8 years so I'm going by memory and a few review videos. Otherwise I think I could've listed several hundred on my own.
    This film doesn't deserve a tagline in,
    Things We've Learned from…..Die Another Day


    1) Remember back on the TND list when I said "some Bond film is better than no Bond film"? I take it back.

    2) Apparently Bond can fire a bullet perfectly down the barrel of a sniper rifle.

    3) Bond sure is lucky the North Koreans didn't open the briefcase from the other side.

    4) Evidently Bond's assignation plan was either to blow up the diamond briefcase on the spot and hope nobody suspected him of anything or get miles away and telepathically know when Moon was in the explosive's very small blast radius. Either way it's full-proof.

    5) Being a North Korean anger therapist comes with some pretty severe occupational hazards.

    6) Moon's soldiers will continue cleaning up shop even after a series of explosions and gunfire.

    7) The filmmaker's choice of using Madonna's song for the credits was a stroke of genius as it truly put the viewer in Bond's shoes and helped empathize with his merciless torture.

    8) Bond can spend 14 months in a North Korean prison eating nothing but stale bread and fish heads and inexplicably come out fatter than we've seen him in quite a while.

    9) The legendary 007, a seasoned secret agent who has escaped from some of the most impenetrable fortresses in the world in mere hours, will be completely incapable of escaping from a simple North Korean prison that's locks are probably held together by chewing gum.

    10) Michael Madsen is incapable of playing anyone other than Michael Madsen.

    11) 14 Months of brutal torture will leave no serious injuries or physical scaring. Only a bad liver which wasn't even the Korean's fault to begin with meaning that Bond's alcoholism damaged Bond more than anything Moon's soldiers did.

    12) M will have no qualms with leaving Bond to rot in a hellish North Korean torture chamber despite the fact that he is the very man who saved the world on multiple occasions and saved M's life as recently as the previous film.

    13) During Bond's 14 month stay at club torture Bond developed the superpower to stop and start his own heart at will.

    14) After escaping from his MI6 captors, Bond will wisely decide to lay low at a 5 star hotel that he is known to frequent right across the bay from the ship that he just escaped from.

    15) Bond can completely wipe away any physical, mental, or emotional trauma from his year plus torture stint with a haircut, some lobster, and his trusty Norelco electric razor.

    16) Evidently Ian Fleming and Raul share the same taste in bird watching books.

    17) Halle Barry should have legally been required to return her Oscar after her performance in this.

    18) Halle Barry is no Ursula Andres.

    19) Purvis and Wade should've paid some sort of fine to the screen writer's guild for all the horrid cheesy puns and innuendoes.

    20) Jinx likes to bring a small knife and some food with her to bed for a mid-sex snack.

    21) Apparently Cuba, of all places, has medical facilities so advanced and cutting-edge that they can change your appearance and even your race by altering your DNA.

    22) Altering your DNA will change your physical appearance without any external surgery.

    23) Cuba really needs some better security cameras.

    24) Bond's suit will shrink in a matter of minutes after getting wet.

    25) It was a ballsey move on the producer's part with the constant references to the classic Bond films of the past decades. That's like seeing ads for The Godfather or the Star Wars Trilogy while watching re-runs of Full House.

    26) A Madonna cameo is not welcome in any film…ever.

    27) Gustav Graves can tell if a pebble sized diamond is a flawless specimen by looking at it for 2 seconds with his naked eye.

    28) The local police and the country club will be perfectly fine with Bond and Graves destroying said country club during their extremely dangerous torso cutting sword fight provided the loser pays for the damages.

    29) John Cleese is no Desmond Llewelyn.

    30) Q-Branch keeps gadgets that are decades old in safe storage.

    31) After killing Rosa Klebb, Bond took her shoe as a keepsake and eventually gave it to Q-Branch.

    32) An invisible car……..I don't really think I have to say anything else.

    33) Someone at EON thought calling the Vanquish the Vanish was the coolest idea ever. This person was probably 12 years old.

    34) Human body heat will sufficiently heat a castle made entirely of ice to such a degree women can wear cocktail dressed and be completely comfortable.

    35) Colonel Moon was able to completely change his identity, alter his physical appearance, obtain his fortune, build a multi-national multi-billion dollar corporation, carefully craft his public persona, and lastly construct a giant laser in outer space all inside of less time than it takes to get an associates degree from a community college.

    36) Gustav Graves developed a machine that allows him to live without needing to sleep. All he needs to do is stay hooked up to said machine for several hours while he is completely unable to work or do anything else.

    37) The subtleties of flirting had become completely lost on Bond since his time in North Korea as he basically just bluntly asks women to have sex with him in this film.

    38) Gustav Graves' trained henchmen will not notice a set of car tracks in the snow right behind them following them.

    39) Bond and Miranda Frost will keep up the charade of being lovers by having sex in Bond's room despite the fact that no one was there to witness this charade thusly accomplishing nothing.

    40) The great 007 will not notice the woman he just had sex with emptying his gun.

    41) The legendary 007 will not notice that he's walking around with lighter bullet-less gun.

    42) Evidently Bond is completely immune to freezing cold ice water.

    43) A laser pointed 6 inches away from Jinx's head will take several minutes before it's moved 3 inches closer.

    44) A small ridge of ice in the ground is enough to stop a rocket skimmer going well over 300 miles per hour dead in it's tracks and to a complete halt.

    45) The CGI during the wind-surfing scene made the rear projection during the car chase in Dr. No look like a feast for the eyes in comparison.

    46) Apparently one can hide behind something that is already invisible.

    47) An ejector seat exerts enough force to completely flip around a car.

    48) The film will use the tired old "get the point" joke in relation to a sharp object not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES!!!

    49) Bond can shake off getting shocked with thousands of volts of electricity as easily as he can shake off 14 months of brutal torture.

    50) Jinx can defeat an olympic level fencer in a sword fight and suffer only a cut along the stomach as a consequence.

    51) Jinx's cut along her torso will appear and reappear at random.

    52) Brosnan's Bond should be commended on showing remarkable restraint by not groping Miranda Frost's dead body despite the fact that it was clearly on his mind.

    53) The film will completely discard the revamped stronger and more independent characterization of Moneypenny all in favor of cheesy penis joke that either came from the mind of a 14 year old or someone who is emotionally 14.

    54) It was actually possible for me to leave a Bond film unhappy.

    55) This series needed a new Bond and major retooling ASAP.


  • Posts: 1,778
    so... are we on to DAD? no introduction? No chit-chat?

    My apologies. I change the title of the thread before I type the list. And as you can see above, this last one was a doozy. It took a little while.
  • CommanderRossCommanderRoss The bottom of a pitch lake in Eastern Trinidad, place called La Brea
    Posts: 7,030
    so... are we on to DAD? no introduction? No chit-chat?

    My apologies. I change the title of the thread before I type the list. And as you can see above, this last one was a doozy. It took a little while.

    No worries, I was just wondering, but you made up for that in 55 fine points..

    56) Q-branch issues ringfingers as well.

    57) If your car is invisible, you also can't hear it's V12 engine start up or run.

    58) when Bond goes tsunami-surfing he manages to fly with his kite so far that the water is beyond the horizon.

    59) The eyes of Jinx and Bond have no problems looking in concentrated sunlight in the middle of the night, whilst everyone else dons sunglasses.

    60) Not only does Moon/GG manage to become a millionaire, change his DNA etc, in about the same time as it takes MI6 to bail Bond out, he manages to be knighted by the queen as well.
  • Agent007391Agent007391 Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
    Posts: 7,854
    61. Zao's an idiot to not realize the invisible car moved.
    62. Gene therapy works exactly like plastic surgery. And recasting.
    63. Q will not ask why secretary Moneypenny is using the VR headset designed for field work.
    64. This movie suffers from the lack of Valentine Zukofsky and his world class ability to make innuendo.
    65. The parahawks were genius compared to the wind surfing.
    66. Toby Stephens' acting is wonderful, but still can't save this film.
  • Posts: 4,893
    67. Professor Myang Li didn't forget to bring her "appetizing fruit basket" with her when she moved to Hong Kong.

    68. And those fruits certainly do bounce.

    69. Anyway, she doesn't need a flamethrower to raise the temperature of any room.

    (Yes, I watch "Brainiac". Oh, and what Bob Hope said to Jayne Mansfield was : "Thanks for the mammaries !". Ka-ching ! )
  • KerimKerim Istanbul Not Constantinople
    Posts: 2,629
    70. You can't polish a turd.
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    71. You can film bond having sex in turkey, but he will be damned if you'll do it in Hong Kong
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    72. Die another day was made to sweep the razzies that year. That's the only explanation
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    edited April 2015 Posts: 757
    77. All the money spent on the tsunami and no money for props meant Brosnan had to use his own sunglasses in the PTS
  • Agent007391Agent007391 Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
    Posts: 7,854
    73. You can surf up to the coast of North Korea and no one will notice.
    74. Surfing was still hot in 2002.
    75. Just before the US will decide to invade the Middle East for oil, MI6 will poke the dragon in North Korea by trying to assassinate a colonel when his father is obviously a higher priority target.
    76. Said father is so indoctrinated in the North Korean cause, he will send his son to the West for an education.
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    78. David Arnold was inspired by the sounds of his computer starting up and based this score entirely on that
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    79. You can write the crappiest James bond movie ever, but still get asked back to write every one of them made since.
  • bondjamesbondjames You were expecting someone else?
    edited April 2015 Posts: 23,883
    80. EON were so fed up with Austin Powers taking the piss out of Bond that they decided to up the ante themselves

    81. EON were concerned initially that they could not compete with Bourne, so went in the completely opposite direction, competing with XXX and Inspector Gadget

    82. Barbara Broccoli, after seeing the final cut of this film, finally woke up and realized that she had literally been defecating on her father's legacy for the past three to four years - the next film would set things right
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    83. After Joel Schumacher turned down the film to do a movie with Chris rock, he suggested lee tamahori, who could give them the same film
  • bondjamesbondjames You were expecting someone else?
    edited April 2015 Posts: 23,883
    84. Someone forgot to tell Madonna that her 17 yr quest to make the move into acting from music (since Desperately Seeking Susan) was a hopeless cause......and they forgot to tell her that she should retire from making music too.

    85. Rosamund Pike should have phoned it in - she stood out like a sore thumb because she was actually acting in a what can only be described as a farce.

    86. Pierce Brosnan chose the wrong movie to give his best performance as James Bond

    87. Tobey Stephens was about to destroy what once was a promising acting career.
  • Posts: 8,927
    83. Lee Tamahori has no idea how to direct a bond film
    84. People will continue to read the paper in spite of it getting slashed in half
    85. Purvis and Wade apparently wrote a great ending similar to the novel Moonraker which was thrown out because Tamhori wanted action
    86. Mechanical suits give jedi powers
    87. A man will kill his own father to prove how evil he is
    88. said father won't see his own murder coming even though it was obvious
    89. Halle Berry was a Jinx to this film
    90. The Villain with all his talk of intelligence still isn't smart enough to just shoot the hero
    91. Why give cutting edge stuff to an abandoned agent? Heck why is cutting edge stuff developed Not in Mi6 but in some underground ralway station?
    92. The New Q is kind of odd
    93. Lame titles like Die Another Day are Lame
    94. and shoehorned into the plot
  • Agent007391Agent007391 Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
    Posts: 7,854
    95. Q has probably been down there too long.
    96. Take the best original level in The World is Not Enough N64 game and turn it into a VR simulation, you get what is probably the most exciting part of the film. And Moneypenny is dead.
    97. After getting cubed in Resident Evil, Charles Robinson somehow came back from the dead and did all of nothing.
    98. Michael Madsen is apparently qualified to run the NSA, which doesn't actually have field agents, but what the hell, let's send Halle Berry out anyway! That can't possibly go wrong.
    99. Graves was somehow fighting gravity, and not the engine of the jet that he was sucked into.
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    100. Gotta hand it to mr kill...
  • Agent007391Agent007391 Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
    Posts: 7,854
    100. Gotta hand it to mr kill...

    It is a name to die for.
  • bondjamesbondjames You were expecting someone else?
    edited April 2015 Posts: 23,883
    106. That David Arnold and Purvis & Wade should all consider themselves lucky to have kept their jobs after this tosh

    107. That a reboot was inevitable and urgently necessary

    (correcting numbering)
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    108. Jinx got the thrust of it
  • jake24jake24 Sitting at your desk, kissing your lover, eating supper with your familyModerator
    Posts: 10,569
    110. The land mines in the DMZ for some strange reason detonate at an altitude higher than the average person.

    111. When Zao pretends to be Darth Vader.
  • Agent007391Agent007391 Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
    Posts: 7,854
    112. Q Branch also works on the villains' cars.
  • Posts: 4,893
    112. Halle Berry can be a great actress, provided she works with a great director.

    113. Unfortunately, Lee Tamahori is not a great director.

    114. Poor Moneypenny. Her last scene still makes me angry.

    115. Tamahori destroys his own argument regarding the "codename theory" by having a scene filled with gadgets from earlier missions.
  • edited April 2015 Posts: 1,778
    bondjames wrote: »
    106. That David Arnold and Purvis & Wade should all consider themselves lucky to have kept their jobs after this tosh

    107. That a reboot was inevitable and urgently necessary

    (correcting numbering)

    My hero. Thankyou good sir :)

    Birdleson wrote: »
    109. A Bond film can begin with possibly the best set-up in the franchise (the Title Sequence, into the next ten minutes or so) and turn into the worst entry in the franchise.

    Very true. In alot of ways I consider DAD to be the Jaws The Revenge of the Brosnan films. A forth entry that starts off promisingly enough to make one believe that they're in for the best film since the first (or GE in Brosnan's case) but after about 15 to 20 mins in things quickly begin to go off the rails. And by the time we get to the second act everything has gone to hell.
    Risico007 wrote: »
    83. Lee Tamahori has no idea how to direct a bond film
    84. People will continue to read the paper in spite of it getting slashed in half
    85. Purvis and Wade apparently wrote a great ending similar to the novel Moonraker which was thrown out because Tamhori wanted action
    86. Mechanical suits give jedi powers
    87. A man will kill his own father to prove how evil he is
    88. said father won't see his own murder coming even though it was obvious
    89. Halle Berry was a Jinx to this film
    90. The Villain with all his talk of intelligence still isn't smart enough to just shoot the hero
    91. Why give cutting edge stuff to an abandoned agent? Heck why is cutting edge stuff developed Not in Mi6 but in some underground ralway station?
    92. The New Q is kind of odd
    93. Lame titles like Die Another Day are Lame
    94. and shoehorned into the plot

    Really? Could you elaborate some more. Sounds interesting.


    My hat is off to you all. You've really pulled out the stops with some hilarious entries. And now DAD takes it's rightful place on top after effortlessly shattering NSNA's record. Let's see if we can make it to 150. We're up to #117 by my count.

    117) Altering your DNA will inexplicably cause you to grow several inches in height.

    118) Miranda Frost ending up as an MI6 turncoat was easily the most predictable double-turn in the history of the Bond films, if not all of spy movies.

    119) At some point between 1999 and 2002 Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli completely lost their minds. Fortunately they were nursed back to sanity by 2005.

    120) Toby Stevens, Judi Dench, and Rosmand Pike were islands of class in an ocean of stupidity.
  • BennyBenny Classified Administrator, Moderator
    Posts: 12,174
    121) Bond and Zao's cars had so many gadgets, I'm still trying to figure out how they got an engine in them too.
    122) Running behind a taxing cargo plane, and catching it is quite effortless.
    123) Flying said cargo plane through an intense beam of sunlight will only cause the plane to catch fire and smoulder for a while. It will not cause any severe damage until Bond and Jinx have to escape
    124) Lying on a pile of diamonds post and or pre making love is hot?
    125) NSA agents also like to sprout quips in the face of death similar to their British secret service counterparts.
  • Posts: 159
    00. a movie like this should never ever be released
  • CommanderRossCommanderRoss The bottom of a pitch lake in Eastern Trinidad, place called La Brea
    Posts: 7,030
    127) though they can alter his DNA, they just can't get some shiny pieces of rock from Zao's face.
  • Agent007391Agent007391 Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
    Posts: 7,854
    Kostas_P wrote: »
    00. a movie like this should never ever be released

    128. This movie is so g*ddamn bad, we have actually begun going backwards with the numbers.
  • Posts: 159
    I think it had to be the very first thing to mention (thus the 00.)
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