The James Bond Limerick Thread

edited April 2014 in Trivia & Games Posts: 6,396
By popular demand(!), I've started this thread.

Let's see if there's as much creativity as there are with your Haikus.

This first one's in honour of @MayDay. ;-)

Max was a young Aryan man
Who dreamt of destroying San Fran
But along came a spy
To spit in his eye
And this made the shit, hit the fan.


And:

Ernst was a man fond of his cat
Which sometimes he wore as a hat
But it pooped on his head
So he shot it instead
Now it’s only used as a mat.

«1345

Comments

  • QBranchQBranch The head Quartermaster's HQ
    Posts: 6,195
    I once saw a film called 'Die Another Day'
    The CGI sucked in a major way
    The dialogue stinks
    She's more than a Jinx
    Now give back my money, or I'll make someone pay.
  • MayDayDiVicenzoMayDayDiVicenzo Here and there
    Posts: 4,846
    Haha, they're great @WillyGalore!

    There once was a Frenchman named Hugo
    Who lived in the States in a big chateaux
    He crafted a plot
    The work of a crackpot
    But now he's flying through the Cosmo

  • edited April 2014 Posts: 6,396
    Thanks @MayDay. Nice work from both yourself and @QBranch.

    Renard loved a young woman named King
    He couldn't feel pain so she taught him to sing
    Bond crept in unseen
    And kicked him right up between
    Now he wears his balls in a sling.

  • WalecsWalecs On Her Majesty's Secret Service
    Posts: 1,688
    QBranch wrote:
    I once saw a film called 'Die Another Day'
    The CGI sucked in a major way
    The dialogue stinks
    She's more than a Jinx
    Now give back my money, or I'll make someone pay.

    Epic win!

  • edited April 2014 Posts: 6,396
    Adding to the DAD theme:

    It should have been the most glorious Day.
    Might as well have been filmed by M. Bay
    The effects were not snazzy
    Halle deserved another Razzie
    I should have hit eject and not play!

  • MayDayDiVicenzoMayDayDiVicenzo Here and there
    edited April 2014 Posts: 4,846
    She works for the Service, that Mary Goodnight
    So it's a surprise to say that she is not too bright
    One day in Bangkok
    She got a big shock
    When she ended up in a boot in flight


    You've got me hooked, Willy!
  • edited April 2014 Posts: 6,396
    Very good @MayDay :-)

    An ode to @DarthDimi:

    His troll hunting days keep him keen
    But at night he remains to be seen
    They drive him all mad
    So he reigns fear on the bad
    Now Dimi’s kept MI6 clean.


    And a mention to @0Brady

    I've got this incredible hunch
    That this member's the best of the bunch
    Some say he is shady
    So give three cheers to our Brady
    But @QBranch says don't touch his lunch!
    ;-)
  • QBranchQBranch The head Quartermaster's HQ
    Posts: 6,195
    Now pay good attention- don't touch my bread roll
    For if I do catch you, Bond, stuffing your hole
    I'll ban you from gadgets
    Your fate will be tragic
    These Deus ex machina keep saving your soul.



    You can't kill my dreams, but my dreams can kill you
    I look really beaut' in my Robocop suit
    I'm busting to pee
    To the loo I must flee
    If I drip some on me I'll electrocute.
  • MayDayDiVicenzoMayDayDiVicenzo Here and there
    Posts: 4,846
    There once was a woman named Onatopp
    Twas feisty, and dangerous, but she got the chop
    In a jungle one day
    Her life was taken away
    As she always liked a good squeeze in a treetop


  • edited April 2014 Posts: 6,396
    My name is Willy Galore
    You've all dreamt that you've heard it before
    This rhyme is a token
    As my eye is still broken
    And I'll leave you all wanting much more.
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 It was this or the priesthood.
    Posts: 28,232
    After skimming a literary magazine quick
    Ornithologist James Bond felt quite sick
    Ian Fleming called his name quite bland
    For that criticism, Bond wouldn't stand
    That limey was such a prick
  • DarthDimiDarthDimi Behind you!
    Posts: 14,681
    Thanks, @WillyGalore! :-)

    There once was a man named Saxby Burt
    Who thanks to James Bond got badly hurt
    He said: “Please tell me
    how you like your pussy”
    To which Bond replied: “Shaven, not furred.”
  • edited April 2014 Posts: 6,396
    Under the sea he shared with fishy friends
    Karl's life has been lived through a lens
    He was terribly cross
    When Bond caused him a loss
    Now he's being treated for the bends.
  • MayDayDiVicenzoMayDayDiVicenzo Here and there
    Posts: 4,846
    Crab Key is the home of Doctor No
    He's a genius but he can't play the piano
    Because his hands were severed
    Which turned him bad tempered
    And now he is power mad and a bit of wacko
  • edited April 2014 Posts: 6,396
    SPECTRE had come up with the most audacious plan
    To kill Bond and escape in a van
    Wily James looked quite needy
    and Red Grant was just greedy
    So "You won't be needing this anymore, old man!"
  • StirredNotShakenStirredNotShaken I'm gonna use this to clarify that Dalton is tied with Craig
    Posts: 1,612
    Uh how do limericks work? I don't mind doing another series for all the films I just need to know what the pattern is. That is, if you all want another one of those.
  • Posts: 6,396
    Uh how do limericks work? I don't mind doing another series for all the films I just need to know what the pattern is. That is, if you all want another one of those.

    Lines 1, 2 and 5 must rhyme with the same end word (cat, mat, hat etc). Lines 3 and 4 must be shorter and should rhyme with each other.
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 It was this or the priesthood.
    Posts: 28,232
    Uh how do limericks work? I don't mind doing another series for all the films I just need to know what the pattern is. That is, if you all want another one of those.

    Limericks have a rhyming scheme of aabba. Basically, lines 1, 2 and 5 rhyme, as do lines 3 and 4. Lines 3 and 4 are usually much shorter than all other lines, but as this is all for fun, that shouldn't really matter.
  • MayDayDiVicenzoMayDayDiVicenzo Here and there
    Posts: 4,846
    Fräulein Bunt shot Tracy Bond dead
    The bullet fixed grotesquely in her head
    As the car thunders away
    Bond swears revenge someday
    But Diamonds Are Forever came along instead
  • Posts: 6,396
    Love it @MayDay. :D
  • Posts: 6,396
    Uh how do limericks work? I don't mind doing another series for all the films I just need to know what the pattern is. That is, if you all want another one of those.

    Limericks have a rhyming scheme of aabba. Basically, lines 1, 2 and 5 rhyme, as do lines 3 and 4. Lines 3 and 4 are usually much shorter than all other lines, but as this is all for fun, that shouldn't really matter.

    You explained it better than me @0Brady :-)
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 It was this or the priesthood.
    edited April 2014 Posts: 28,232
    And a mention to @0Brady

    I've got this incredible hunch
    That this member's the best of the bunch
    Some say he is shady
    So give three cheers to our Brady
    But @QBranch says don't touch his lunch!
    ;-)
    Quite clever, mate. Good thing I already ate, or Q's sub would be mine!


    To Eva:

    I think I'm in love with Eva Green
    My heart is her kingdom, she the queen.
    One day when I saw her on the street
    I proposed to make my heart complete
    Her restraining order against me was quite mean.

    =((

    But seriously, Eva. Call me. :)]
  • Posts: 6,396
    That last line cracked me up.
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 It was this or the priesthood.
    edited April 2014 Posts: 28,232
    That last line cracked me up.

    You might find it funny, but there is nothing comical about being told to stay exactly 500 feet away from your beloved. Star-crossed lovers, just like Romeo and Juliet. :((
  • Posts: 6,396
    Stop it, you're killing me ;-)
  • Posts: 6,396
    Thiago bit into the pill
    He didn't die, but it made him quite ill
    Disguised as a cop
    His plan was a flop
    Now he's left to run for the hill
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger The 0,07 %
    Posts: 26,310
    Now a limerick thread
    The Bond haiku is dead
    Listen @WillyGalore
    People may love you more
    But I am way ahead
  • Posts: 6,396
    Not a bad effort @Thunderfinger ;-)
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger The 0,07 %
    Posts: 26,310
    I do not buy your flatter
    This limerick fashion will splatter
    My thread is better
    It is Bond by the letter
    At least it is the latter.
  • edited April 2014 Posts: 6,396
    Young Dario thought he was God
    His behaviour towards women was odd
    Bond was in strife
    But this lad with the knife
    Ended up as a minced little sod.
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