James Bond Jokes

edited August 2011 in Bond Movies Posts: 321
Ok, so after mentioning it in the "James Bond Connections" thread, it was mentioned that a James Bond joke thread may be a good idea.

Because of that I thought I'd set one up and hope that is ok as it may be fun for a laugh. Anyway, first one

<i>What is james bonds fav time of time of year?
Bond-fire night</i>

and of course there is the one I posted earlier.

<i>What do you call James Bond in the bath?
Bubble-O-7</i>

Anyone got any that are much ....................much better than that?
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Comments

  • Posts: 1,856
    Wondered how long it would take you
  • Well, may give a few laughs don't ya think???? :-D
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 I've missed you all.
    Posts: 28,417
    I found this beauty and had to post it:

    A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.
    Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked, "Is your date running late?"
    "No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
    Intrigued by his words the woman replied, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
    "Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
    "I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?"

    "It says you're not wearing any knickers..." came the reply.

    The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!"
    007 tutted, tapped his watch and said, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
  • Apologies if this is a little too adult or rude, but here goes......

    Q. How does 007 like his women?

    A. Shaven not furred!

    Not too rude I hope, especially given the fact Bond quips in DAF "as long as the collar and cuffs match" - which I guess suggests a different preference to the above!
  • What's the difference between James Bond and a brick?
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 I've missed you all.
    Posts: 28,417
    What is James Bond's favorite choice of pay?
  • Posts: 1,856
    What?
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 I've missed you all.
    edited August 2011 Posts: 28,417
    What is James Bond's favorite choice of pay?
    What?
    He likes to cash in with Moneypennys.
  • Posts: 4,812
    lol OK I've got one- just came up with it:


    I was walking through a crowded street and this woman shoves past me. I say to myself, 'well that was pushy...'

    Then 'Connery Bond' taps my shoulder and says with a hint of excitement in his voice: 'Did someone say PUSHY??'
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 I've missed you all.
    Posts: 28,417
    lol OK I've got one- just came up with it:


    I was walking through a crowded street and this woman shoves past me. I say to myself, 'well that was pushy...'

    Then 'Connery Bond' taps my shoulder and says with a hint of excitement in his voice: 'Did someone say PUSHY??'

    :-))
  • BondJasonBond006BondJasonBond006 on fb and ajb
    Posts: 9,021
    full.jpg
  • BMW_with_missilesBMW_with_missiles All the usual refinements.
    Posts: 2,992
    What time will Sean Connery be at Wimbledon?

    Tennish.
  • DragonpolDragonpol Writer @ http://thebondologistblog.blogspot.com
    edited October 2015 Posts: 15,071
    From The Russ Abbot Show (1980s):

    "The name's Bond, Basildon Bond. I've got letters after my name!"
  • TokolosheTokoloshe Under your bed
    edited October 2015 Posts: 2,667
    Sean Connery: "A book hit me on the head last night. I can only blame myshelf."
  • BondJasonBond006BondJasonBond006 on fb and ajb
    Posts: 9,021
    Sean Connery:

    God shave the Queen!

    I always leave the seat down, for the Ladies to shit on.
  • "Moneypenny, you're a shite....

    for shore eyes!"
  • Posts: 1,068
    Not mine but just about relevant!

    M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn’t hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

    The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says “Virgin Mary speaking.” M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn’t.

    M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. “Virgin Mary speaking,” comes the response. “Is James there yet?” asks M. Again the answer is no.

    M is really concerned by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
    “Hello, Mary speaking…”

    Sean Connery was interviewed by Donahue, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.

    My dog has just eaten my entire james bond DVD collection.
    Luckily I managed to scare The Living Daylights out of him.
  • BondJasonBond006BondJasonBond006 on fb and ajb
    Posts: 9,021
    As a big fan of Kylie I want to protest but I'm still laughing too hard :)) :))
  • ggl007ggl007 www.archivo007.com Spain, España
    Posts: 2,482
    =)) =)) =))
  • JohnHammond73JohnHammond73 Lancashire, UK
    Posts: 4,151
    James bond was sitting at a bar when a pretty blonde sat next to him, James looked at his watch, looked back at the girl then looked back his watch.

    The girl said "whats wrong, is your date late"

    James said "No, I have just got a new watch which tells me about the girl sitting next to me"

    The girl said "so what does it tell you about me?"

    James replied "it says your not wearing any underwear"

    The girl said "Well I am"

    James said "Sorry Love - this must be an hour fast"
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger The Lazenby Pit
    Posts: 42,471
    Jaws falls out of the sky and lands on a circus tent that collapses under his weight.

    The entire audience crawls out and gathers round to see what happened.

    A policeman comes over and asks what the crowded commotion is all about.

    "Don t know.", says Jaws. "I just got here myself."
  • BondJasonBond006BondJasonBond006 on fb and ajb
    Posts: 9,021
    full.jpg

    full.jpg
  • edited October 2015 Posts: 66
    In days of yore, on another site I used to do a question and answer session for some of the more troubled Bond fans. It seems to have all been deleted now (probably for sound reasons), but it used to go something like this -


    Q. Who said "This never happened to the other feller"?
    A. Puss Feller's unlucky brother.

    Q. In Diamonds Are Forever who liked Plenty O'Toole?
    A. Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint.

    Q. Apart from Bond, what do Connery and Craig have in common?
    A. They both got whacked in the untouchables.

    Q. Are there any Connery films in which he actually played a Scotsman?
    A. Yes. All of them.

    Q. What is the difference between Solitaire and Newcastle United football club?
    A. Solitaire knows what it's like to be on an open top bus.

    Q. During Live And Let Die, who lost their virginity?
    A. Me, in the back row.

    Q. Who said that Sean Bean couldn't possibly be Bond because he had a stupid vegetable for a name that makes you pass wind.
    A. Barbara Broccoli.

    Q. How does Bond like his ladies' bikini lines?
    A. Shaven Not Furred.

    Q. In the 70s, who had three tits and a midget?
    A. The Monkees' groupie.

    Q. What's the difference between Connery's book Being A Scot and Goldilocks?
    A. One's a fantasy about porridge and the others a story about some bears.

    Q. Where can I buy new photos of Tracy online?
    A. None are available since her last headshot.

    Q. Which Bond girl was born with six fingers?
    A. They all had at least six fingers.

    A. In LTK, what does Bond like to put on his dinner?
    Q. Condiments of Sharkey.

    Q. Sean Connery's sequel to his book Being A Scot is about domestic violence and comes out next year. Do you know what it's called?
    A. Yes. Fleeing A Scot.

    Q. How many Bond actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. Two. Only Herve Villechaize and Dame Judi are small enough to fit in.













  • edited August 2017 Posts: 962
    This awful and ancientone is a classic in my country:

    Bond, dressed in his smoking, jumps from a plane after fighting a thug, opens a parachute and makes himself a vodka Martini shaked, not stirred while gliding. He lands in a remote village's main square. A country bumpkin with his beret, pitchfork in his hand, watches him land, looks closely and asks:

    "Do I know you? Your face is familiar; I think I watched you on TV! What's your name?"

    Bond takes out his Walther PPK, crosses his arms, glass and gun in his hands, and says.

    "My name is Bond, James Bond. And you are..."
    "I'm Brose, Am Brose."


    Yes, that's it.
  • BMW_with_missilesBMW_with_missiles All the usual refinements.
    Posts: 2,992
    (I have to admit, I got the idea for this one from a player's screen-name in Goldeneye Wii)
    What would James Bond change his name to if he started playing Basketball?

    LeBond James.
  • MyNameIsMyBondRnMyNameIsMyBondRn WhereYouLeastExpectMeToBe
    Posts: 221
    ..Yes-James Is My Bond..!
  • Mendes4LyfeMendes4Lyfe Given the circumstances
    Posts: 7,331
    (I have to admit, I got the idea for this one from a player's screen-name in Goldeneye Wii)
    What would James Bond change his name to if he started playing Basketball?

    LeBond James.

    I loved that game! I would always play the GoldenEye level and camp inside that one dark room with all the shelves. Good times.
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger The Lazenby Pit
    Posts: 42,471
    Shady Tree was an old fashioned guy.

    He demanded that Christmas Jones took his last name once they got married.
  • BMW_with_missilesBMW_with_missiles All the usual refinements.
    edited October 2015 Posts: 2,992
    I loved that game! I would always play the GoldenEye level and camp inside that one dark room with all the shelves. Good times.

    It is a really good game. I actually just got it, and my Wii, about a month ago (I buy old, used systems to save money). I'm surprised how many people are still in the online multiplayer. It's still going strong. I also have the original on the Nintendo 64.
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