Depression and our personal lives

JamesBondKenyaJamesBondKenya Danny Boyle laughs to himself
edited August 2017 in General Discussion Posts: 2,682
I know this is a James Bond forum for well James bond, but in recent months I have felt like you guys are quite a warm community who can even share problems together, so ill put this up here, something I wrote to myself last week and see what you thought, i value your opinions mostly because I have no where else to turn to, and most of you are like older then me and have more life experience to give advice but I have nothing to lose anymore by posting this here and I feel like a lot fo you are vey nice lovely people who woulndt be bothered by most post here.

My letter to myself:
This is my letter to my self whether this will be my suicide note or not, i dont know but what I do know is if i survive I will read this often in the future to remind myself. I have self diagnosed my self with extreme depression, a moderate OCD and some sort of general mild anxiety disorder. I am no doctor but its pretty obvious. I just have no will to live anymore. Since april of 2016 I have noticed my obsessive behavior spike up and down as well as my depression become far worse. Im not depressed for any real reason. I have been lucky enough in life to be born into a semi wealthy family where we dont have to worry about bills and if I want something I can generally get it. I feel bad being so depressed even though I have so much in life, but Im not depressed because I don't have something. Im depressed just because I have lost intrest in living. What am i gonna do in life? Study hard become a doctor or some shit? Then be pointless? What will I achieve in life that will change the world. nothing. So whats the point of living. I might as well go now and be in peace. Get a rest for once. Eternal rest. Every month I have a mental breakdown for no reason. Ill wake up very low one day and my dad will say one thing, like " pick up your attitude, or stop being rude, "and I will breakdown. Ill smash a hole in the wall and cry myself Ina. Locked bathroom with my wrists out and a knife ready to end it all. All my thoughts flood through my depressed shitty life and I just want to be free I just want to let go. Not to mention Im so confused in life. I find it hard to do anything because I get so obsessed over it and my anxiety goes high and then i cant do it and then I just get depressed. For example. If i have to go to track practice at 3. Ill wake up at 9 and just wait till 2. Because Ill be scared of doing anything. What if it goes on for too long? And i miss practice? I get so scared that ill just sit there and wait. Wait for nothing. And then i get depressed cuz im just sitting and doing nothing. Not to mention im so confused over life. My friends have gotten into smoking cigs and weed and drugs and it seems like every where i look, everyone has a history of doing drugs. Every celebrity or uncle or family friend or story on the internet. It seems like everyone has to smoke something to survive. But i dont want to smoke. Ive been told since i was a baby by the public education system not to do it so how can i just turn around and become a fiend now? Ive held out for the the first year of high school - no drugs- but all my friends have become addicts always trying to persuade me to do that shit. I dont know what I want to do for a profession. Im smart . I think i could become a doctor. But as i said before. I dont want to id rather kill myself right now. I love film. I want to be a director but its so implausible. What are the odds i become a major movie director? 1/10000? I wont and then ill find myself on the street one day with nothing to show for and then ill kill myself. Whats the point of going through all of that shit and for what. And now to talk about the most recent episode of mine. I have no will to live. But im still here because I have small things that hold me together. When im really upset i go to my happy place which belive it or not is watching james bond. But ive watched them to death. I know so much that theyve stopped being super entertaining. When im depressed i love watching qos because its fun to watch a sad character being upset( like myself) and then just tearing shit up( thats the dream). I dont want to sound silly but i get so excited when they release a bond film that if they were to go every 2 years i feel like that could help me have a will to live. But anyway ill give you a recent example, there was this older girl in my elective Shes two years older. And i never payed much attention to her but she was always super into me and i knew she really liked me. Then one day my whole thinking changed and now i was super into her " obsessed beyond belief" and she became my new will to live. I wanted to love and marry the girl because i felt she could give me a reason to live. But she slowely lost interest in me and the whole summer went by and we never hung out because she was always "busy" now im really low because i no longer have a reason to live. My friends are boring drug addict cun*sThe love of mine will go to college soon, theres not enough time to win her over, shes a senior this year. I dont know if i should do drugs or what? Im just sad all the time. Not to metnion i worked my ass off last year in 9th grade and i got all As and i was really proud of that. But i had to work super hard staying up until 3 in the morning studying and such, but now with the new year coming Im so low that I just dont feel like I can go in for that anymore. I cant put in that much effort im just so sad all the time. I told my parents once which was a mistake that i regret, but i just dont know where to turn. I want a purpose to live but I cant find one. Im on my last leg. Im going to try directing a short film with one of my track friends and submit it to a film festival. If it takes off perhaps i could become a director perhaps i could have a reason to live but if not, i dont see why i should be around. Again to reiterate my problem is that recently I have just become disillusioned with life and the purpose i serve in the world. Like Jim jeffries, he always talks about how he was depressed and he did cocaine. Is that what I need to do to make me happy enough not to die?
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Comments

  • Posts: 3,881
    It's not good to self-diagnose. Speak to a professional and take help from there.
  • Posts: 5,737
    Self-diagnoses and self-medicating are dangerous. And right now, your brain is still developing, so something as mild as weed could damage its growth and functions.

    @JamesBondKenya, it's obvious that you are suffering from something, and it was brave of you to turn to this forum to share with us. The thing you need to do now is take the next step and speak to a professional. Please, my friend, take that next step. It will do you a world of good.

    You're not "crazy" for seeking help; in fact it seems like you're very self aware.

    And as far as making a short film? Go for it. You need a hobby; you need to create something. Do it, all in, from script to final cut. Take each step in phases and tell the best story that you can at this moment in your life.

    Meanwhile, you must have compassion and empathy for others around you; but for that to happen, you first must have compassion for yourself. It's an exercise you should practice every day... it may feel strange at first, but you have to find what's good about you? What makes you tick? What's unique about you?

    But please, go and take the next step and seek help from a professional...

    All my best to you,

    Peter
  • Posts: 12,186
    Completely agree with my fellow posters above. Big step in the right direction in asking for help and advice. We will all be here for you as before, but do get some professional support face to face as I have no doubt it will be a great help to you. It will also give your friends here peace of mind too.

    Take care.
  • PropertyOfALadyPropertyOfALady Colders Federation CEO
    Posts: 3,533
    Please do take the help a professional can give you. It's very brave of you to tell us of your struggles. Drugs are bad. No matter how badly you wanna do them, please don't!

    Even though the members of this forum may not know you, we still are your friends. I was a physical mess when another forum friend was going through a tough time, and there was a point where I thought very seriously that he wouldn't make it.

    Do your parents listen to you? Maybe you could ask them to get help. Much like I did with the Cerebral Palsy thread, I'm glad you have taken that step and told us about your health. It can be scary stuff, but I've found, in a way, talking to virtual friends help.

    As @peter said, for now, find something you love to do. That'll help you for the time being. Please keep me updated. I'm worried now. But thank you for being brave and bringing all of this to our attention.

    In friendship,
    Justin Litke
  • BondJasonBond006BondJasonBond006 on fb and ajb
    edited August 2017 Posts: 9,021
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  • JamesBondKenyaJamesBondKenya Danny Boyle laughs to himself
    Posts: 2,682
    Thanks all for the support its made me feel a little better today for a change. I was not sure about posting my feelings here. Whether it was apropriate or not but I see now that it was beneficial to me. I will try to see what i can do about getting a therapist or something but in the meantime I'll cling on to what I can.
  • You're very young. It's normal to experiment with things like drugs if you want to (although obviously there's some stuff you shouldn't touch regardless). The key words there being if you want to. If your friends try to peer pressure you into anything you're uncomfortable with then they're not very good friends. Given what you've wrote, it doesn't seem like you want to do that at all. So my advice would be don't. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. It doesn't matter what your friends are doing.

    It seems like you're passionate about films. That's something you could channel when you find yourself just sitting around. Whether it's making them yourself (people have made whole films on their phones), writing them, writing about them, or even just watching different films. I'm guessing you're in high school at the moment. Why not take film/media studies if you go to college? It seems like you'd enjoy it and you'd be able to make new friends who share the same passion as you. Maybe you could give your CV in at a cinema near you too in case they're ever hiring for part time work. It's a shame that you didn't realise how you felt about that girl sooner. I think we've all been there. Since she'll be moving away anyway I'd suggest focusing on other things, like your love of films, to keep your mind off her, and it will get easier over time. And eventually you'll find someone else. You're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. And it's because of that that you shouldn't be worrying about what you're going to do when you're older. You'll have plenty of time to figure that out, I'm in my 30s and after working in a couple of different careers from when I left school, I'd say that I only recently found what I wanted to do with my life, when I got a new job that I genuinely love. Might happen earlier for you. But you definitely don't need to be worrying about that as a teenager.

    Also, the bit about Bond. You've watched the films a lot but there's also the books (the Flemings and the continuation novels), comics, video games, all sorts of stuff. And I'm willing to bet you haven't experienced it all (been a Bond fan for 30 years this year, and I'm only just now working my way through the continuation novels). And you could always try new films. It seems like something you're very passionate about so I'm sure there's all sorts you'd enjoy.

    As others have said, just typing all this for us to see is really brave. And I think the next best step is channeling that bravery into seeking professional help, or even just talking to your parents about it properly first of all, for your own sake. For the time being I think the best thing you can do is focus on hobbies, whether that's your athletics or making films or whatever you want to do. But please do seek some sort of help as well. You seem like a bright, talented guy with a lot of passion, intelligence, self awareness and even confidence (you've managed to be yourself rather than just following what your friends do, which is very tough at your age and which shows that you have more confidence than you might think). Take care and I think I speak for everyone when I say we're all here if you need to talk.
  • Posts: 14,328
    @JamesBondKenya firstly it's brave of you to post that, that feeling you describe you can get help and support with I have been there myself. Speak to your doctor and tell them how you feel, I find on a day to day basis distractions are good being active doing things you enjoy. It's good to have ambition though small steps at a time, often when we look at the big picture it is daunting. If we do things one step at a time we look back months later and think wow I have come along way, 'keep positive no matter what' is what I have told myself for many years.
  • stagstag In the thick of it!
    edited August 2017 Posts: 943
    @JamesBondKenya. There are some very wise words in the above posts, so I have no need to repeat them other than ask that you seek professional advice at the earliest opportunity. Remember, while we here are only your 'pen friends' we are friends nonetheless, the level of concern for your wellbeing voiced within this discussion should be proof that you are not alone.
  • edited August 2017 Posts: 4,302
    Can't add to whats been said really apart from the fact that sometimes I can feel myself slipping into this and, what works for me, is to keep the "grey matter" busy.

    Churchill's "black dog" is well documented as are his solutions of painting and laying bricks. He needed to keet busy and I can completely see that.
  • BennyBenny ...OctobennyModerator
    Posts: 11,486
    Having suffered depression myself, I can only add that support and getting help are what will help you overcome this all too common affliction.
    The first step is to admit to yourself that something is wrong, and credit to @JamesBondKenya for opening up.
    But, the only sensible help is through a qualified professional. Whilst the support of friends and forums members is an especially decent, caring and a lovely thing, it cannot diagnose the issue, like a trained professional can.
    That's not to say that the compassion of others shouldn't be sought, but merely not relied on.
    I wish any and all luck with getting the proper help that they may need.
  • bondjamesbondjames You were expecting someone else?
    edited August 2017 Posts: 23,883
    @JamesBondKenya , thanks for sharing. That was brave of you.

    I agree with everything that has been said above, but will add the following, which hopefully helps cheer you up.

    -understand that you are not alone. What you're experiencing is a part of growing up and living. Life isn't perfect and nobody is perfect. Certainly not us. Not even our heroes.

    -life throws all kinds of curveballs & disappointments at us and so much of what happens in our lives is outside our control.

    -it's important not to be too hard on oneself. To err is human. To forgive is divine. That applies to us too. We have to forgive ourselves.

    -It's important to learn from what happens to us. I believe that while we can't control everything which happens (and perhaps shouldn't), we can control how we react to it. That is a choice. While it may seem daunting and overwhelming now, take baby steps to step out of your funk. Don't let it control you. Control it. Focus on something that interests you and gives you pleasure, whether that be Bond, or this forum or something else.

    -shake up your social circle. Go out and meet some new people through a shared interest. We are here as Bond fans on the internet, but there are also other people you can meet in person who have other interests and hobbies which you share. Life is full of wonder, and we don't have to look far to see it in everything.

    -we are all meant to be of service. That is a place where we can regain our strength. From focusing on something greater than ourselves. Try to do something for someone today. Something kind and generous. Don't expect anything in return. Just do it for them. Try to give of your time again tomorrow and then again. See how you feel when you do that.

    -at the end of the day, no matter how hard things may seem, there is always someone who has it much worse. Anything we can do (no matter how small) to help those less fortunate enriches us beyond words.

    -read a self help book. I highly recommend The Miracle of a Definite Chief Aim by Mitch Horowitz.

    -someone once said something to me that has stayed with me forever: "Happiness is a state of mind". The point being, it's a choice. Recent neurological studies have shown that the mind is like a muscle. It can be controlled and strengthened. We have the power to do it.

    -finally, as others have said, please don't self diagnose. Seek professional advice. Also, if you can, talk to an understanding family member who you trust and who will 'listen' in confidence without judging.
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    edited August 2017 Posts: 16,242
    Remember:
    Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Digitalia
    Posts: 40,531
    There is no shame in having a depression or other mental issues. It is more common than many realize.

    Drugs is not a good solution, it might make it worse. What can help (I know it sounds like a liche, but there is really merit to it) is a good sleeping pattern, good nutrition, some sunshine, exercise and talking to people.

    You may also want to change your environment or try something new, one way or another.

    Do speak to your doctor. He may check if there is a physical cause/enhancer to the problem, and if not send you to someone with a lot of experience in the field.

    Best of luck to you !
    Just-Keep-Swimming.gif
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 It was this or the priesthood.
    Posts: 28,231
    @JamesBondKenya, this stuff is heavy so I'm quite warmed that you considered some of us trusting enough to share your story. I won't go through the usual spiel of saying it was brave to "come out" this way, as that is somewhat offensive and implies that it should be a difficult trial to share your pain with others. Sadly, with how society chooses to silence or lessen talk of mental health, it can at times be a feat to share your story. Regardless, I'm happy you took the initiative to see that something was wrong and spoke up.

    Without getting too much into it, a lot of what you are going through is very familiar to me. I'm another self-diagnoser, but know quite well what I deal with daily and have a large family history near my place in the tree of anxiety and depression, and you know how disastrous a combination that can be. In many ways my anxiety does me in more than any depressed mood could, because my fear of certain things and my inability to do things through anxiety actually results in me being depressed because I'm stagnant and feel like I'm going nowhere; the anxiety enables and strengthens the depression. It's one of those things where you know what's wrong with you and you know how to stop it (getting out of your shell), but saying it is easy and actually doing what you need is very difficult.

    You seem to have an extreme mix of anxiety and depression whereas, from what I've seen in others, I have a low form of it or at least not severe. I've never made a serious or focused attempt at suicide, though it's been on my mind in the past and is a concurrent thing one deals with if one is in this position. That reason alone is why you should consult someone who can help you with that, which could be a professional to give you medication to balance the chemicals of your brain that cause an imbalance in you, or a therapist on top of that to discuss your life and how you can find a healthy way to achieve a purpose in it.

    From my experience, here's some steps I would take to try and find an angle to get through this as they have helped me in the past and continue to do so:

    1.) You've already completed this step, but communication is life-saving, no hyperbole. The minute your condition/s reach those who can help you, the easier the fight is because you are no longer bearing the weight on just your shoulders. One of the reasons I'm still around (and which I have no delusions about) is that I've got a great support staff in my parents and a best friend who near single-handedly rescued me from the darkest patch of my life. When you know people are there that care about you and you know you can in turn be yourself and be honest about what you're facing with them, it can go a long way towards helping you avoid a feeling of loneliness and to realize that you'll have substantial support to get through dark patches when they come.

    2.) This step is one you seem to have down as well-distractions. Distractions are great, because they take our minds away from dark thoughts and the overall feeling we have of life, which for us is a variation of pointlessness, doom or downright unpleasantness through our cynical eyes. Art and writing have been life-savers for me, art because it cleans out my head and gets me expressing things on paper, and writing because I can create and go to worlds in my fiction that I can't occupy in life that are better than the daily one I lead. Being a trained writer also allows me to write out my thoughts that are caught up in my head, giving me greater clarity for what I'm thinking and feeling so that I can help change my mood. I share your love of film so I also do a lot of film analysis, including Bond reviews that allow me to get close to something I'm passionate about. All of that takes my mind off the uncomfortable thoughts and keeps me going for a few days until I need a new project.

    You mention the temptation for drugs, and I must stamp my foot down quite loudly here and tell you to avoid it at all costs. I've not got an addictive personality and have never felt the mildest temptation to use drugs or drink, and got through high school and college letting the idiots my age overexert themselves with those vices in their attempts to be young, wild and "cool." Trust me my friend, nothing is cool about drinking beyond your limit of moderation or using drugs that will make your judgement foggy and lead to mistakes you can't walk back from as if it's all a dream. Life is healthier without all of it, and for a mind like yours that is up and down and easily upset with changes in mood, I don't think mixing depression and anxiety with drugs and alcohol is a cocktail you want to have as it will just give you more problems to deal with-like the prospect of addiction-on top of everything else. Don't give in to the peer pressure and set an example for others by restraining yourself. Those choices don't lead to good roads and you're always the better person for avoiding it outright.

    3.) Find someone or a small group, no matter how minuscule, who you feel can understand and help you. This backs up my point above of not being alone, and having support. Just one friend can save your life, I'm proof of that, and it's important to have a number of people in your space who you know you can turn to for help when you feel too weak on your own. I wish we lived in a world that "got" people like us and made it easier to make such vocal leaps with others, but I think you'd be surprised nonetheless how understanding people can be when you lay it all down for them and open up. If they are true friends they'll support you no matter what, and it's those people you stick with and not those who are trying to pressure you into even worse things.

    Ultimately, there's no sunny way of facing this kind of thing, because it all starts in you. You can distract yourself with things on a frequent basis to keep going and you can have dozens of support staff to help you through dark patches, but ultimately you have to find the will to live and your purpose in life through yourself and on your own. Your life is your life, and while people can be their to assist you on the way, you must take control and steer yourself to a healthier place at the end of the day, and nobody can do that for you.

    4.) This is where it becomes important to face your fears, and test your limits to show yourself all that you are capable of. You mention being scared of trying things because you think you'll just fail anyway, but that's a defeatist mindset. If I sat around all day thinking I couldn't write a story or draw a picture, I can guarantee you that nothing would be drawn or written because I'd have let fear eat at me. But if I put pen to paper and tried to write and draw, even if it came out poorly, it was something I took the initiative to do. I TRIED. And the only way to get good at what you're passionate about is by experimenting and pushing your limits through practice. You can't do that if you're too afraid to take the leap in the first place, and because of that you're immediately making it a guarantee that you won't only go nowhere near the finish marker, you won't even move off the starting line.

    Fear is nasty and it holds us back, but it doesn't own us. One of my greatest fears has been communicating with people. I'm horrible with others and find it difficult to make any friends for a variety of reasons, largely because I feel like I'm from a different time and don't meet people I'd want to be friends with anyway, as college was a bad experience for me in that area. But more than that, it was the feeling that I wouldn't be welcomed or understood or liked, and that feeling stopped me short of interacting. Whenever I'd enter a room from a young age through to my teens, I'd feel my insides constrict and my brain go on autopilot. Whether I was surrounded by strangers or people I recognized didn't matter, the experience of being surrounded and being put in a place where I'd be bumping into people gave me anxiety and made me uncomfortable. It was hard enough to exist around people in that kind of environment, so it became near impossible to speak to a room full of people without my voice cracking and my body jittering in reaction to the anxiety and awkwardness I felt in the face of the crowd. This fear stopped me from making friends, from going outside, from doing anything remotely healthy with my life, and I missed a lot of opportunities because of it.

    When it came time for me to go to college, I was still struggling with anxiety and the depression spurred on by it and my own feeling of purposelessness, but this time I had a secret weapon: I was pissed. I was angry that I let myself get in the way of my own progress, and so I decided at one point to do anything I could to train myself out of my fear. As I became more comfortable around college I'd sign up for open debates where I was put in front of a crowd and had to argue a point I'd formed through research and knowledge, putting me on my toes in front of seas of strangers. Whenever I was in a group and one of the students had to go in front of the class to present something, I'd volunteer to force myself out of my shell. When something I'd written got published by my college's literary magazine I'd volunteer to give a reading of it and, at other times, I'd host the reading events from a podium, putting myself out there in front of everyone. When given the chance to fly out of America for the first time and head to Europe on a crazy and unpredictable journey sponsored by my university, I pushed myself to do it and came away more cultured and comfortable with myself and my abilities to overcome than I could ever have imagined as I met new people, became lost in a new place and function on my own. The person I was, the person I forced myself to become in those years, was so much more confident and at peace than the person I went into college as, a miserable, defeatist and fearful kid who did nothing to change that fear.

    All these fears of mine were at first debilitating before I chose to kick them away or lessen their hold on me, and I felt my heart jump out of my chest to be in front of people, but over time a lot of that went away and more comfort set in. The fear of coming out of my shell was overwhelmed by my determination not to let my fears eat at me like they had for too long, and in effect I became a better person who didn't let his conditions take away his agency or identity. Fast forward to my final year of college and, at a funeral for the most important person in my life, my grandmother, I was asked by my family to read a tribute I'd written for her. I felt like I was going to throw up while the priest introduced me to the room, but because I had trained myself to come out of my shell and speak in front of a crowd during college, I was much better prepared to take that giant step and, despite getting emotional and feeling the weight of the moment and more anxiety than I ever have before, I eulogized my grandmother to the support of the room because fear wasn't anything to me in the face of the important obligation ahead of me and my own response to overcome it.

    This is a long way of saying, look fear in the eye and tell it it doesn't own you. If you let your fears rule your life it's a guarantee that you'll never do anything important. It doesn't help that fear is often irrational, something you build up in your head that makes you think things are going to be 10X worse than they ever could be in reality. It's the overcoming of the fear that makes one special, because even if you fail at times you are showing yourself that nothing, not even self-doubt, can hold you back from trying to achieve something. So go out and film that movie of yours. Learn as much as you can while you do it and, if you're unhappy with the result, take what you learn to make a better movie another day by building on your past experience. If the film turns out as good as you expect, or if you make a better film after you stumble, you see what you can do and how your limits are largely just preconceived hurdles you put in your own path that stop you from developing into anyone worthwhile. The only certainty is that, if you let yourself fall to fear, you'll never achieve anything. Try and you are already winning no matter the outcome.


    For the depressed and anxious, it's all about acceptance, effort, determination and love. The ability to accept who you are is vital, as you know when you need help and what you must do to overcome those dark or fearful parts of yourself. The effort comes from your ability to rise to the occasion and do something extraordinary to break out of the shell you're trapped in and try, try, try again at something you want to achieve. Determination comes from the resolve you must have to realize that you won't succeed at everything but must try at everything you wish to attain, as failing to succeed is not a sign of failure itself. Pick yourself up when you fall and don't let yourself or others defeat you with negativity or doubt; show yourself and everyone else what you can do by overcoming it all. And finally, love is what makes life the most beautiful and it comes from not just those in your life who support you, but also from yourself. Self-love, the ability to love the person in the mirror, the person who you have accepted the existence of, warts and all. It's only through self-love that all the best in life can come, because you need to believe and love yourself to find the ability to accept who and what you are, to expend the effort to change, to carry the determination to keep pushing yourself and ultimately to feel the compassion and care for yourself that makes you realize you have worth inside yourself.

    Some days I wake up, look in the mirror and wonder what I'm doing. I criticize myself, my purpose, what worth I have or ever will have, and hold low value in what I am and what I do. But on the days when I overcome that mood and rise to the occasion, when I show myself the edge of my limits by pushing away fear, trying something new, reaching out to a stranger and building a better me, I learn so much about myself and how I can take those steps to find a purpose.


    @JamesBondKenya, dealing with this stuff is a daily trial, and it'll be up and down with all the highs and lows you can imagine. Some days will find you driven and on cloud nine, while on others you'll want to push people away and go to bed for eternity. There's no quick fix or easy solution, as everyone is different, and it doesn't change over night. I can only ask that you can some of my words to heart and apply them to your life to get through these patches when they come.

    I know your situation well, as I'm in the same place: a young guy wondering helplessly what my purpose in life is. I feel doubt, worry, exhaustion, all of it, and at times it's hard to see through it. I still have bad days and make mistakes too, it's the nature of the game, but every experience I have that pushes me beyond what I thought I could be teaches me more about who I am and what my purpose could be. The fight is to make sure the good days outweigh the bad, to find a way to offset the imbalance in your life that could feed doubt or negativity. You need to find those moments in your life, those times to put yourself out there in spite of fear to feel the experience of letting yourself be free. It's sometimes scary, but it's the only way we can do what we need to do to get out of our gutters and find that illusive purpose we require to go on in life. Crawl inside yourself and you live for nobody. Come outside your shell and you'll find a whole world waiting for you that is scary, but often just as exciting.

    If all else fails you can always have me to PM if you need assistance, or don't know who to talk to. I've made friends with people who face the same things and who have it worse than me, but our shared experiences have allowed me to help them through rough patches and I've learned about myself through those interactions. You're already not alone in this fight, and that's a good portion of the battle.
  • PropertyOfALadyPropertyOfALady Colders Federation CEO
    Posts: 3,533
    @JamesBondKenya, this stuff is heavy so I'm quite warmed that you considered some of us trusting enough to share your story. I won't go through the usual spiel of saying it was brave to "come out" this way, as that is somewhat offensive and implies that it should be a difficult trial to share your pain with others. Sadly, with how society chooses to silence or lessen talk of mental health, it can at times be a feat to share your story. Regardless, I'm happy you took the initiative to see that something was wrong and spoke up.

    Without getting too much into it, a lot of what you are going through is very familiar to me. I'm another self-diagnoser, but know quite well what I deal with daily and have a large family history near my place in the tree of anxiety and depression, and you know how disastrous a combination that can be. In many ways my anxiety does me in more than any depressed mood could, because my fear of certain things and my inability to do things through anxiety actually results in me being depressed because I'm stagnant and feel like I'm going nowhere; the anxiety enables and strengthens the depression. It's one of those things where you know what's wrong with you and you know how to stop it (getting out of your shell), but saying it is easy and actually doing what you need is very difficult.

    You seem to have an extreme mix of anxiety and depression whereas, from what I've seen in others, I have a low form of it or at least not severe. I've never made a serious or focused attempt at suicide, though it's been on my mind in the past and is a concurrent thing one deals with if one is in this position. That reason alone is why you should consult someone who can help you with that, which could be a professional to give you medication to balance the chemicals of your brain that cause an imbalance in you, or a therapist on top of that to discuss your life and how you can find a healthy way to achieve a purpose in it.

    From my experience, here's some steps I would take to try and find an angle to get through this as they have helped me in the past and continue to do so:

    1.) You've already completed this step, but communication is life-saving, no hyperbole. The minute your condition/s reach those who can help you, the easier the fight is because you are no longer bearing the weight on just your shoulders. One of the reasons I'm still around (and which I have no delusions about) is that I've got a great support staff in my parents and a best friend who near single-handedly rescued me from the darkest patch of my life. When you know people are there that care about you and you know you can in turn be yourself and be honest about what you're facing with them, it can go a long way towards helping you avoid a feeling of loneliness and to realize that you'll have substantial support to get through dark patches when they come.

    2.) This step is one you seem to have down as well-distractions. Distractions are great, because they take our minds away from dark thoughts and the overall feeling we have of life, which for us is a variation of pointlessness, doom or downright unpleasantness through our cynical eyes. Art and writing have been life-savers for me, art because it cleans out my head and gets me expressing things on paper, and writing because I can create and go to worlds in my fiction that I can't occupy in life that are better than the daily one I lead. Being a trained writer also allows me to write out my thoughts that are caught up in my head, giving me greater clarity for what I'm thinking and feeling so that I can help change my mood. I share your love of film so I also do a lot of film analysis, including Bond reviews that allow me to get close to something I'm passionate about. All of that takes my mind off the uncomfortable thoughts and keeps me going for a few days until I need a new project.

    You mention the temptation for drugs, and I must stamp my foot down quite loudly here and tell you to avoid it at all costs. I've not got an addictive personality and have never felt the mildest temptation to use drugs or drink, and got through high school and college letting the idiots my age overexert themselves with those vices in their attempts to be young, wild and "cool." Trust me my friend, nothing is cool about drinking beyond your limit of moderation or using drugs that will make your judgement foggy and lead to mistakes you can't walk back from as if it's all a dream. Life is healthier without all of it, and for a mind like yours that is up and down and easily upset with changes in mood, I don't think mixing depression and anxiety with drugs and alcohol is a cocktail you want to have as it will just give you more problems to deal with-like the prospect of addiction-on top of everything else. Don't give in to the peer pressure and set an example for others by restraining yourself. Those choices don't lead to good roads and you're always the better person for avoiding it outright.

    3.) Find someone or a small group, no matter how minuscule, who you feel can understand and help you. This backs up my point above of not being alone, and having support. Just one friend can save your life, I'm proof of that, and it's important to have a number of people in your space who you know you can turn to for help when you feel too weak on your own. I wish we lived in a world that "got" people like us and made it easier to make such vocal leaps with others, but I think you'd be surprised nonetheless how understanding people can be when you lay it all down for them and open up. If they are true friends they'll support you no matter what, and it's those people you stick with and not those who are trying to pressure you into even worse things.

    Ultimately, there's no sunny way of facing this kind of thing, because it all starts in you. You can distract yourself with things on a frequent basis to keep going and you can have dozens of support staff to help you through dark patches, but ultimately you have to find the will to live and your purpose in life through yourself and on your own. Your life is your life, and while people can be their to assist you on the way, you must take control and steer yourself to a healthier place at the end of the day, and nobody can do that for you.

    4.) This is where it becomes important to face your fears, and test your limits to show yourself all that you are capable of. You mention being scared of trying things because you think you'll just fail anyway, but that's a defeatist mindset. If I sat around all day thinking I couldn't write a story or draw a picture, I can guarantee you that nothing would be drawn or written because I'd have let fear eat at me. But if I put pen to paper and tried to write and draw, even if it came out poorly, it was something I took the initiative to do. I TRIED. And the only way to get good at what you're passionate about is by experimenting and pushing your limits through practice. You can't do that if you're too afraid to take the leap in the first place, and because of that you're immediately making it a guarantee that you won't only go nowhere near the finish marker, you won't even move off the starting line.

    Fear is nasty and it holds us back, but it doesn't own us. One of my greatest fears has been communicating with people. I'm horrible with others and find it difficult to make any friends for a variety of reasons, largely because I feel like I'm from a different time and don't meet people I'd want to be friends with anyway, as college was a bad experience for me in that area. But more than that, it was the feeling that I wouldn't be welcomed or understood or liked, and that feeling stopped me short of interacting. Whenever I'd enter a room from a young age through to my teens, I'd feel my insides constrict and my brain go on autopilot. Whether I was surrounded by strangers or people I recognized didn't matter, the experience of being surrounded and being put in a place where I'd be bumping into people gave me anxiety and made me uncomfortable. It was hard enough to exist around people in that kind of environment, so it became near impossible to speak to a room full of people without my voice cracking and my body jittering in reaction to the anxiety and awkwardness I felt in the face of the crowd. This fear stopped me from making friends, from going outside, from doing anything remotely healthy with my life, and I missed a lot of opportunities because of it.

    When it came time for me to go to college, I was still struggling with anxiety and the depression spurred on by it and my own feeling of purposelessness, but this time I had a secret weapon: I was pissed. I was angry that I let myself get in the way of my own progress, and so I decided at one point to do anything I could to train myself out of my fear. As I became more comfortable around college I'd sign up for open debates where I was put in front of a crowd and had to argue a point I'd formed through research and knowledge, putting me on my toes in front of seas of strangers. Whenever I was in a group and one of the students had to go in front of the class to present something, I'd volunteer to force myself out of my shell. When something I'd written got published by my college's literary magazine I'd volunteer to give a reading of it and, at other times, I'd host the reading events from a podium, putting myself out there in front of everyone. When given the chance to fly out of America for the first time and head to Europe on a crazy and unpredictable journey sponsored by my university, I pushed myself to do it and came away more cultured and comfortable with myself and my abilities to overcome than I could ever have imagined as I met new people, became lost in a new place and function on my own. The person I was, the person I forced myself to become in those years, was so much more confident and at peace than the person I went into college as, a miserable, defeatist and fearful kid who did nothing to change that fear.

    All these fears of mine were at first debilitating before I chose to kick them away or lessen their hold on me, and I felt my heart jump out of my chest to be in front of people, but over time a lot of that went away and more comfort set in. The fear of coming out of my shell was overwhelmed by my determination not to let my fears eat at me like they had for too long, and in effect I became a better person who didn't let his conditions take away his agency or identity. Fast forward to my final year of college and, at a funeral for the most important person in my life, my grandmother, I was asked by my family to read a tribute I'd written for her. I felt like I was going to throw up while the priest introduced me to the room, but because I had trained myself to come out of my shell and speak in front of a crowd during college, I was much better prepared to take that giant step and, despite getting emotional and feeling the weight of the moment and more anxiety than I ever have before, I eulogized my grandmother to the support of the room because fear wasn't anything to me in the face of the important obligation ahead of me and my own response to overcome it.

    This is a long way of saying, look fear in the eye and tell it it doesn't own you. If you let your fears rule your life it's a guarantee that you'll never do anything important. It doesn't help that fear is often irrational, something you build up in your head that makes you think things are going to be 10X worse than they ever could be in reality. It's the overcoming of the fear that makes one special, because even if you fail at times you are showing yourself that nothing, not even self-doubt, can hold you back from trying to achieve something. So go out and film that movie of yours. Learn as much as you can while you do it and, if you're unhappy with the result, take what you learn to make a better movie another day by building on your past experience. If the film turns out as good as you expect, or if you make a better film after you stumble, you see what you can do and how your limits are largely just preconceived hurdles you put in your own path that stop you from developing into anyone worthwhile. The only certainty is that, if you let yourself fall to fear, you'll never achieve anything. Try and you are already winning no matter the outcome.


    For the depressed and anxious, it's all about acceptance, effort, determination and love. The ability to accept who you are is vital, as you know when you need help and what you must do to overcome those dark or fearful parts of yourself. The effort comes from your ability to rise to the occasion and do something extraordinary to break out of the shell you're trapped in and try, try, try again at something you want to achieve. Determination comes from the resolve you must have to realize that you won't succeed at everything but must try at everything you wish to attain, as failing to succeed is not a sign of failure itself. Pick yourself up when you fall and don't let yourself or others defeat you with negativity or doubt; show yourself and everyone else what you can do by overcoming it all. And finally, love is what makes life the most beautiful and it comes from not just those in your life who support you, but also from yourself. Self-love, the ability to love the person in the mirror, the person who you have accepted the existence of, warts and all. It's only through self-love that all the best in life can come, because you need to believe and love yourself to find the ability to accept who and what you are, to expend the effort to change, to carry the determination to keep pushing yourself and ultimately to feel the compassion and care for yourself that makes you realize you have worth inside yourself.

    Some days I wake up, look in the mirror and wonder what I'm doing. I criticize myself, my purpose, what worth I have or ever will have, and hold low value in what I am and what I do. But on the days when I overcome that mood and rise to the occasion, when I show myself the edge of my limits by pushing away fear, trying something new, reaching out to a stranger and building a better me, I learn so much about myself and how I can take those steps to find a purpose.


    @JamesBondKenya, dealing with this stuff is a daily trial, and it'll be up and down with all the highs and lows you can imagine. Some days will find you driven and on cloud nine, while on others you'll want to push people away and go to bed for eternity. There's no quick fix or easy solution, as everyone is different, and it doesn't change over night. I can only ask that you can some of my words to heart and apply them to your life to get through these patches when they come.

    I know your situation well, as I'm in the same place: a young guy wondering helplessly what my purpose in life is. I feel doubt, worry, exhaustion, all of it, and at times it's hard to see through it. I still have bad days and make mistakes too, it's the nature of the game, but every experience I have that pushes me beyond what I thought I could be teaches me more about who I am and what my purpose could be. The fight is to make sure the good days outweigh the bad, to find a way to offset the imbalance in your life that could feed doubt or negativity. You need to find those moments in your life, those times to put yourself out there in spite of fear to feel the experience of letting yourself be free. It's sometimes scary, but it's the only way we can do what we need to do to get out of our gutters and find that illusive purpose we require to go on in life. Crawl inside yourself and you live for nobody. Come outside your shell and you'll find a whole world waiting for you that is scary, but often just as exciting.

    If all else fails you can always have me to PM if you need assistance, or don't know who to talk to. I've made friends with people who face the same things and who have it worse than me, but our shared experiences have allowed me to help them through rough patches and I've learned about myself through those interactions. You're already not alone in this fight, and that's a good portion of the battle.

    Wow! That's so inspiring.
  • BondJasonBond006BondJasonBond006 on fb and ajb
    edited August 2017 Posts: 9,021
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  • RichardTheBruceRichardTheBruce I'm motivated by my Duty.
    Posts: 8,479
    You drew some very nice things from this board, @JamesBondKenya.
  • BondJasonBond006BondJasonBond006 on fb and ajb
    edited February 2018 Posts: 9,021
    It's two years since my two army-brothers died. Both within a few days.
    Depression is a monster and I only know all too good.

    I kept busy all day, reading and being online a bit, posting some. But now I'm giving up.

    I knew this time would come when it's a year. But now that it's happening my heart gets ripped out and what's left of me doesn't know if to be distraught, desperate, angry or sad.
    It crushes me. I will have the hardest night.

    I want my brothers back. I can't handle the loss.

    Seeing that @JamesBondKenya is still going strong on this forum gives me hope. I hope you are alright buddy.

    Just knowing people out there will listen to what I have to say, helps too. Thank you.
  • PropertyOfALadyPropertyOfALady Colders Federation CEO
    Posts: 3,533
    But now I'm giving up.

    Woah! That part scares me! I don't know what "giving up" entails, but that is not good. You're scaring me.
  • Posts: 5,737
    You’re still heavily in the grieving process @BondJasonBond006. There is no timetable. Grieving is like severe trauma. For now you can only take each moment as it comes, meditate on your losses, accept and embrace the pain, and keep moving forward— incremental steps, using the support group you have.

    Humans are the great adapters; you will adapt, and you will learn to live with your losses. But that will only come when you’re ready. And you can’t rush when that is.

    You will come out of this.

    Thoughts are with you.

    P
  • BondJasonBond006BondJasonBond006 on fb and ajb
    Posts: 9,021
    I'm sorry to sound so desperate. I'll get through it.
  • BennyBenny ...OctobennyModerator
    Posts: 11,486
    I'm sorry to sound so desperate. I'll get through it.

    Hopefully @Andi1996Ruegg can be a pillar for you to lean on too @BondJasonBond006
  • BirdlesonBirdleson San Jose, CAModerator
    Posts: 30,343
    That's what friends are for.
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 16,242
    Jason, I've been there. Like you, the doctors said it was pretty amazing that I lived (my problem was blood loss after an accident with a plate glass window due to not caring about anything anymore- people usually don't live after losing over 5 pints of blood, and I lost more). We beat the odds and survived FOR A REASON. We have people that need us. Stay strong, my friend.
  • JamesBondKenyaJamesBondKenya Danny Boyle laughs to himself
    Posts: 2,682
    @BondJasonBond006
    That’s tough losing people. There was a time when I thought that I couldn’t make it another day and the whole world was coming to a close, but the trick to staying alive is to find something to distract you and waste your time. I’ve watched like 200 movies in the last 3 months because it’s a great way to just stop stressing out and thinking and just distract yourself for a bit. Take up a new hobby, get outside as much as possible even though you may not want to and make sure to have people to lean on when you are weak. When you see the horrors that life entails and you feel sad it is important to also see the beauty of life to remind yourself that there is purpose and there is reason- that it isn’t all bad.
  • Mendes4LyfeMendes4Lyfe "I need a year off" Craig
    Posts: 7,293
    In life we sometimes feel like we're going in circles, when in fact it's more like climbing a spiral staircase. Although we're in the same spot, we're one floor up, and better equipt than we were in the past.


    That's about the only inspirational quote I could think of at the moment. It hurts to see you guys suffering like this, both such vibrant personalities around here.
  • Don't worry be happy ;)
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 16,242
    Don't worry be happy ;)

    No one here gets out alive. So live while you can, enjoy the sweet moments, live past the dark ones and read as much as you can. Or at least watch the Dalton & Brosnan Bonds a lot...
  • edited February 2018 Posts: 14,328
    chrisisall wrote: »
    Don't worry be happy ;)

    No one here gets out alive. So live while you can, enjoy the sweet moments, live past the dark ones and read as much as you can. Or at least watch the Dalton & Brosnan Bonds a lot...

    Good advice always be the best that you can. You are a good man @chrisisall
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