I know this is a James Bond forum for well James bond, but in recent months I have felt like you guys are quite a warm community who can even share problems together, so ill put this up here, something I wrote to myself last week and see what you thought, i value your opinions mostly because I have no where else to turn to, and most of you are like older then me and have more life experience to give advice but I have nothing to lose anymore by posting this here and I feel like a lot fo you are vey nice lovely people who woulndt be bothered by most post here.
My letter to myself:
This is my letter to my self whether this will be my suicide note or not, i dont know but what I do know is if i survive I will read this often in the future to remind myself. I have self diagnosed my self with extreme depression, a moderate OCD and some sort of general mild anxiety disorder. I am no doctor but its pretty obvious. I just have no will to live anymore. Since april of 2016 I have noticed my obsessive behavior spike up and down as well as my depression become far worse. Im not depressed for any real reason. I have been lucky enough in life to be born into a semi wealthy family where we dont have to worry about bills and if I want something I can generally get it. I feel bad being so depressed even though I have so much in life, but Im not depressed because I don't have something. Im depressed just because I have lost intrest in living. What am i gonna do in life? Study hard become a doctor or some shit? Then be pointless? What will I achieve in life that will change the world. nothing. So whats the point of living. I might as well go now and be in peace. Get a rest for once. Eternal rest. Every month I have a mental breakdown for no reason. Ill wake up very low one day and my dad will say one thing, like " pick up your attitude, or stop being rude, "and I will breakdown. Ill smash a hole in the wall and cry myself Ina. Locked bathroom with my wrists out and a knife ready to end it all. All my thoughts flood through my depressed shitty life and I just want to be free I just want to let go. Not to mention Im so confused in life. I find it hard to do anything because I get so obsessed over it and my anxiety goes high and then i cant do it and then I just get depressed. For example. If i have to go to track practice at 3. Ill wake up at 9 and just wait till 2. Because Ill be scared of doing anything. What if it goes on for too long? And i miss practice? I get so scared that ill just sit there and wait. Wait for nothing. And then i get depressed cuz im just sitting and doing nothing. Not to mention im so confused over life. My friends have gotten into smoking cigs and weed and drugs and it seems like every where i look, everyone has a history of doing drugs. Every celebrity or uncle or family friend or story on the internet. It seems like everyone has to smoke something to survive. But i dont want to smoke. Ive been told since i was a baby by the public education system not to do it so how can i just turn around and become a fiend now? Ive held out for the the first year of high school - no drugs- but all my friends have become addicts always trying to persuade me to do that shit. I dont know what I want to do for a profession. Im smart . I think i could become a doctor. But as i said before. I dont want to id rather kill myself right now. I love film. I want to be a director but its so implausible. What are the odds i become a major movie director? 1/10000? I wont and then ill find myself on the street one day with nothing to show for and then ill kill myself. Whats the point of going through all of that shit and for what. And now to talk about the most recent episode of mine. I have no will to live. But im still here because I have small things that hold me together. When im really upset i go to my happy place which belive it or not is watching james bond. But ive watched them to death. I know so much that theyve stopped being super entertaining. When im depressed i love watching qos because its fun to watch a sad character being upset( like myself) and then just tearing shit up( thats the dream). I dont want to sound silly but i get so excited when they release a bond film that if they were to go every 2 years i feel like that could help me have a will to live. But anyway ill give you a recent example, there was this older girl in my elective Shes two years older. And i never payed much attention to her but she was always super into me and i knew she really liked me. Then one day my whole thinking changed and now i was super into her " obsessed beyond belief" and she became my new will to live. I wanted to love and marry the girl because i felt she could give me a reason to live. But she slowely lost interest in me and the whole summer went by and we never hung out because she was always "busy" now im really low because i no longer have a reason to live. My friends are boring drug addict cun*sThe love of mine will go to college soon, theres not enough time to win her over, shes a senior this year. I dont know if i should do drugs or what? Im just sad all the time. Not to metnion i worked my ass off last year in 9th grade and i got all As and i was really proud of that. But i had to work super hard staying up until 3 in the morning studying and such, but now with the new year coming Im so low that I just dont feel like I can go in for that anymore. I cant put in that much effort im just so sad all the time. I told my parents once which was a mistake that i regret, but i just dont know where to turn. I want a purpose to live but I cant find one. Im on my last leg. Im going to try directing a short film with one of my track friends and submit it to a film festival. If it takes off perhaps i could become a director perhaps i could have a reason to live but if not, i dont see why i should be around. Again to reiterate my problem is that recently I have just become disillusioned with life and the purpose i serve in the world. Like Jim jeffries, he always talks about how he was depressed and he did cocaine. Is that what I need to do to make me happy enough not to die?