Bond in the Original Shakespeare

chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
edited February 2015 in Literary 007 Posts: 17,647
The fellows at Absolutely James Bond gave me the okay to share this here, it made us laugh a bit & we hope it's appreciated here. Sir Barbel did-ith the heavy lifting in this group effort.

Here it is collected together, with a few additions. (Don't take the act/scene numbers too seriously)
Act 1, Scene 1. High above a sea.
Sir Miles: Honoured soldiers, though to our secular lords our present endeavour be no more than a mere plaything, a bagatelle for gaining that experience held high in our conscience, so from our spring I hold it as a matter of mine honour that thee, furbished with the O's redoubled, will disdain fortune in pursuit and shall cause no discomfort to fall upon me.
(Exeunt three soldiers. A strong wind blows)
Oh a thousand damnations be upon thee!
Act 1, Scene 2. A rock in the sea.
1st Sentry: In truth, sirrah, out of this merriment you are.
2nd Sentry: Cry hold! You live no more.
Act 1, Scene 5. A boat in the sea.
Bored Maiden: Of the life herein I do weary. I seek merely a man who is strong and true, and plays not of the tennis.
(Enter Sir James)
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. To Sir Miles in one hour I must make report.
Bored Maiden: I prithee, leave me not.
Sir James: Forsooth, one hour shall become two.
Intermission. Maidens dance, a Norseman sings.
Act 2, Scene 1. An opera house.
Saunders: I am Saunders, he who commands Vienna. Your tardiness is reprehensible.
Sir James: Of the essence time holds no sway. Yonder maiden sweet music upon her cello doth make, yet no more sweet than her own fair charms.
Saunders: Thou must take leave of the fairer sex, Double Naught Seven, thine duty precedence must take.
Sir James: To the border thou must make haste, I prithee in what manner?
Saunders: Thy pardon must I crave, unknown to thee shall be my route. Scroll the six-and-twentieth, paper the fifth. Thine understanding I am certain of.
Act 2, Scene 3. A cave.
Old Wizard: To the depths in this swine of base metal must thee journey, or as with borscht shalt thou boil.
Koskov: I know not of swine or borscht or sweetmeats!
Act 2, Scene 4. A carriage.
Saunders: Report must I make of thy shortcomings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Get thee to Sir Miles and disclose unto him that which pleases thee. Should he but terminate my employ, I shall upon him heap great praise in reciprocation! One endpiece of a flintlock from the other knowest the fair damsel not. Verily, whomsoever she may be, the light of day which survives in her has been sent to flight.
Act 3, Scene 2. Throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir James: Of thy choice in caviar have I differed, my liege, and in truth the fair damsel doth live still.
Sir Miles: Then, marry, from Hong Kong shall Double Naught Eight be summoned. His pursuance of orders doth exceed thine, whose disposition lends favour to instinct, wherefore Pushkin he knows not. Four-and-ten days of leisure shall be given to thee.
Sir James: Nay!... Sire. If this deed is decreed to come to pass, let me endeavour to make it so.
Act 3, Scene 4. The old wizard's lair.
Old Wizard: In my crystal ball I see the woman you seek, whose humour it is to take the life of men with her thighs.
Moneypenny: Sir James, thine type she most surely ist!
Sir James: Nay, thou art mistaken, my type thou art.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. For those across the sea I have laboured long and weary, in the creation of this blaster of ghettos.
Moneypenny: 'Twas unknown to me your fondness for the muse, Sir James. I entreat thee, should happenstance in the twilight hour thou be unencumbered, thou should attend my domicile for perusal of my Barry Manilow collection.
Old Wizard: Take care with thine carriage, Naught Naught Seven- new livery it doth have!
Act 5, Scene 4. Another carriage, fashioned by the DB5th Earl of Aston and the Viscount Martin.
Sir James: Verily this modern safety glass doth astound! In truth, installation of those accessories named as optional I have caused.
Lady Kara: To the distant constables thou canst listen- be this witchcraft?
Sir James: Nay, sweet lady, 'tis but an anomaly of the air that surrounds us.
Act 6, Scene 4. A foreign place of amusement.
Sir James: Balloon, I have no quarrel with thee
and yet you in my angry embrace be;
Your inflator I must surely stop
forgive my tightening grip that you must...
*pop*
Tall German man weeping in background: ajb007/crap
Act 7, Scene 2. A boudoir.
Pushkin: Dost thou call on me with social intent?
Sir James: Lilies of the field should thee have brought. Faith in Koskov have I none, lest thy death be upon thee.
Pushkin: Then die I must.
Act 7, Scene 7. Another boudoir. Lady Kara sits with her cello.
Lady Kara: Sir James, Sir James, wherefore art thou Sir James?
(Enter Sir James)
Sir James: Lady Kara, 'tis the hour when all deceit laid aside must be. No friend of Georgi's am I; whence Albion, where my duties lie, I journeyed seeking his atonement for the betrayal of all. 'Twas I, none other, that with aim true shot the flintlock from your sweet hands.
Act 8, Scene 2. High above another sea.
Koskov: A thousand pardons, Sir James, my love for thee is boundless, yet the ancients shall proclaim that no sweethearts hath duty.
Sir James: Thou art replete with it, those ancients in my land shall proclaim.
Lady Kara: A fool have I been.
Sir James: No more than I, my lady.
Act 8, Scene 4. A gaol.
Warder: Long and weary have I waited for a captive woman.
Bearded Man: Oh free me from this captivity! Innocent am I!
Warder: Thy death shall await thee in the dawn hour, though shot shall take precedence over the rope.
(He strikes Sir James, who falls)
Warder: To descend I did bid thee not!
(Sir James rises and is struck once more)
Warder: Neither were thou bidden to ascend!
(Sir James overcomes the Warder in battle)
Lady Kara: Oh most magnificent thou art! Our freedom has been granted!
Sir James: Yet in a fortress in a foreign citadel we remain.
Bearded Man: For this boon I thank thee.
Act 9, Scene 3. Still another boudoir.
Lady Kara: Oh fool thou art! Nothing more than a steed's hindermost quarters!
Sir James: Verily shrew, doth thee compare mineself to the posterior of a beast of thy fields!
Act 11, Scene 4. In the lair of a villain.
Koskov: Honoured Pushkin, my delight in our reunion doth know no bounds.
Pushkin: As doth mine, Georgi. To Moscow thou shalt fly- within the satchel of diplomacy!
Sir James: And of the Lady Kara?
Pushkin: Her fate we must discuss.
Act 12, Scene 1. Another opera house.
Sir James: To miss this performance I would not.
Lady Kara: Oh, Sir James!

(Exeunt omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

(Fleming/Shakespeare/Maibaum/Wilson arr. Barbel/Chrisisall/Thunderpussy)
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Comments

  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    What in the big wide world of sports was that???
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,647
    What in the big wide world of sports was that???
    Someone said that Dalton was rather Shakespearean as Bond so we got the idea to REALLY do it that way. :))
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    Why the hell not;)?
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    edited February 2015 Posts: 17,647
    Why the hell not;)?
    Be glad we didn't do it in the original Klingon!
    276352_original.jpg
  • ThomasCrown76ThomasCrown76 Augusta, ks
    Posts: 757
    Only Nixon could go to china ;)
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,647
    The Shakespearean Bond doubteth his veracity.
    timothy-dalton-lion-winter2.jpg
  • Hilarious idea! Someone should film a skit of this.
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,647
    Hilarious idea! Someone should film a skit of this.
    Were I at College still
    I as director would fit the bill.
  • chrisisall wrote: »
    Hilarious idea! Someone should film a skit of this.
    Were I at College still
    I as director would fit the bill.

    Maybe someone could atleast dub over footage of TLD with the above diologue. It'd be a laugh riot. I might look into it. I'd have find some good voices obviously.
  • PropertyOfALadyPropertyOfALady Colders Federation CEO
    edited February 2015 Posts: 3,675
    Please do the rest of the series. Loved Q as an Old Wizard
  • edited February 2015 Posts: 1,778
    Please do the rest of the series. Loved Q as an Old Wizard

    It'd only really work for Dalton. But I must LTK has a bit of Shakespeare to it with the revenge and betrayal and all that jazz.
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    edited February 2015 Posts: 17,647
    Loved Q as an Old Wizard
    Barbel at AJB is a genius, verity.
    Umm, verily.
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy My Secret Lair
    Posts: 13,384
    :)) Brilliant idea. =D>
  • MrcogginsMrcoggins Following in the footsteps of Quentin Quigley.
    Posts: 3,143
    What light through yonder window breaks tis a fair maiden and a sniper !
    Great work guys thats the best read I've had in a while .
  • TigerTanakaTigerTanaka Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond
    Posts: 50
    Please do the rest of the series. Loved Q as an Old Wizard

    It'd only really work for Dalton. But I must LTK has a bit of Shakespeare to it with the revenge and betrayal and all that jazz.

    LTK please! This is brilliant stuff :)

  • Posts: 11,425
    Very funny!
  • Awesome! I want more!!! :)
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    Please do the rest of the series. Loved Q as an Old Wizard

    It'd only really work for Dalton. But I must LTK has a bit of Shakespeare to it with the revenge and betrayal and all that jazz.

    LTK please! This is brilliant stuff :)

    I will sign that petition.
  • Posts: 7,492
    You should get Dalton himself to record it. I think he would love this! :))
  • Yeeeees!! :)
    I love that idea @jobo!
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,647
    jobo wrote: »
    You should get Dalton himself to record it. I think he would love this! :))
    I'd buy that for a dollar.

  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,647
    Here is Sir Barbel's new masterpiece:


    HE OF THE GILDED FINGER
    Act 1, Scene 3. A tavern.
    Yeoman: Praise be upon thee, Sir James, thou hast fouled the intent of Count Romales.
    Sir James: To foment insurrection with the fruit of the banana tree he will no longer.
    Yeoman: Thine vessel doth depart within the hour.
    Sir James: And aboard shall I be, though mine business here be yet undone.
    Act 1, Scene 4. A boudoir.
    Dancing Maiden: Be thou compelled to carry thine weapon eternally?
    Sir James: A thousand pardons I crave, for its lack doth diminish me.
    (A varlet is overcome)
    Sir James: Most verily I am shocked.
    Intermission. A gilded maiden is displayed. A Welsh woman sings.
    Act 2, Scene 1. A boarding house.
    Lord Felix: In the safest of hands I find thee.
    Sir James: Greetings, Lord Felix! What news do you carry?
    Lord Felix: I bear tidings from Sir Miles, thou art bidden to pursue a knave who a gilded finger doth have.
    Sir James: I bid thee tarry, Lord Felix. Lady Dink, thou art dismissed while men do speak.
    Act 2, Scene 2. Another boudoir.
    Undressed Maiden: What is thy name, good sir?
    Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
    Undressed Maiden: For thee I now carry great affection, Sir James.
    Sir James: I shall dine with thee forthwith. In this locality I knowest the most opportune venue.
    Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
    Sir Miles: Oh, a fool art thou! Thine intent to bear an eye upon he with the gilded finger was clear, yet with his concubine did thee frolic. With heavy heart did I bear upon the constables for thy freedom.
    Sir James: I crave thy pardon, my liege, mine shortcomings are known to me though mine mission be not... Sire.
    Moneypenny: I prithee, dine with me tonight Sir James.
    Sir Miles: Nay, with me shall Naught Naught Seven dine.
    Act 3, Scene 4. The Old Wizard’s Lair.
    Sir James: Mine carriage I doth seek.
    Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, though thy carriage antiquated be by decree of Sir Miles. A new carriage shalt thou have- behold!
    Sir James: Marry, a seat on springs! Surely thou doth jest?
    Old Wizard: With regard of mine handiwork, ne’er do I jest Naught Naught Seven. And call me Shirley not.
    Act 4, Scene 3. A field pitted with eight-and-ten holes.
    He of the Gilded Finger: Impart me of thine intent, Sir James.
    Sir James: Mine intent?
    He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not arrive.
    Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring.
    He of the Gilded Finger: Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be.
    Act 5, Scene 1. A villain’s lair.
    He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell.
    Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
    He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
    Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
    He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
    Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
    He of the Gilded Finger: Thou knowest nought, Sir James.
    Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
    He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James.
    Act 6, Scene 1. High above the sea.
    Pussy: Pussy Galore am I.
    Sir James: Most verily ‘tis true, though thine name I seek.
    Pussy: To thine charms I am immune.
    Act 7, Scene 3. Another villain’s lair.
    He of the Gilded Finger: In faith hath the spirit of man great things achieved and events caused to be, yea even unto immense heights hath he ascended in all endeavours, yet not in the evil arts.
    A Naughty Man: Vast treasures thou dost owe me.
    2nd Naughty Man: Vast treasures thou dost also owe to me.
    He of the Gilded Finger: To all I do owe vast treasures, and mine coffers shall be open to thee upon the morrow.
    3rd Naughty Man: Though the morrow be the Sabbath and all coffers shall be shuttered?
    He of the Gilded Finger: Mine coffers open shall be.
    Act 7, Scene 5. Another field.
    Lord Felix: Hast thou word of Sir James?
    Man: In yonder barn is Sir James with a galore of pussy.
    Lord Felix: Verily Sir James is safe and well and happy.
    Tall German Man: Mine eyes grow misty.
    Act 10, Scene 4. High above another sea.
    He of the Gilded Finger: With mine plans hast thou interfered for a final time, Sir James.
    (Exits in great haste through window)
    Sir James: With thine gilded harp shalt thou play.
    (Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond Shalt Return)
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy My Secret Lair
    Posts: 13,384
    Brilliant stuff, Me Thinks ! :))
  • PropertyOfALadyPropertyOfALady Colders Federation CEO
    Posts: 3,675
    These are so funny!
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,647
    These are so funny!
    Sir Barbel has yet gifted us with another:

    THE YEOMAN WITH THE GILDED CROSSBOW
    Act 1, Scene 1. An island.
    Jeff Geff: Thou must in here tarry for my master thy gold to earn. Only half dost thou receive henceforth.
    Varlet: Most assuredly.
    (Enter Count Scaramanga)
    Varlet: Thy doom prepare to meet.
    Count Scaramanga: Doth thou carry a crucifix?
    Varlet: Crucifix?
    Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
    (The varlet is slain)
    Intermission. Maidens gambol in water. A Scotswoman sings.
    Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
    Sir Miles: Knowest ye of Count Scaramanga, Naught Naught Seven?
    Sir James: The yeoman with the gilded crossbow he be. His ransom one million pieces of gold is, furthermore his arrows are gilded. Also he has three of that which other men have but two.
    Sir Miles: To my throne room has been messenger’d this gilded arrow with thine number upon it.
    Sir James: For my death, none would pay one million piece of gold.
    Sir Miles: Cutters of cloth in anger, cookers of meat in shame, cuckolded husbands in rage, many there be.
    Sir James: I beg thee, wherefore hast he this arrow sent?
    William of Tanner: To strike fear into thine heart.
    Man Of No Consequence: Here I stand, with nothing material to impart.
    Sir Miles: Thou art granted days of leisure, Naught Naught Seven, since Count Scaramanga is unknown to thee.
    Sir James: Mayhap first shall he be found by me.
    Moneypenny: I shall guide thee to that place where Naught Naught Two was slain.
    Sir James: Better than an abacus thou most surely ist.
    Moneypenny: In myriad ways be I better than an abacus, Sir James, yet advantage of these ways thou hast never taken.
    Act 2, Scene 2. The Old Wizard’s Lair.
    Sir James: I prithee, bend an eye to this gilded arrow.
    Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. This arrow from the east most surely doth come, fashioned with most surpassing skill and a lack of nickel.
    Man Of No Consequence: I stand here again, with nil of use to impart.
    Sir James: Old Wizard, I entreat thee to give me three of that which other men have but two.
    Old Wizard: Verily, Naught Naught Seven!
    Act 2, Scene 3. A gunsmith’s workshop.
    Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
    Gunsmith: Thine renown is thine vanguard, Sir James, great honour by your visit thou hast caused.
    Sir James: I seek the yeoman with the gilded crossbow, or thy piece shall be held by thee for eternity.
    Act 3, Scene 1. A boudoir.
    Lady Andrea: For what reason art thou here?
    Sir James: I seek Count Scaramanga, the yeoman with the gilded crossbow. Impart unto me how I shall know him.
    Lady Andrea: Dark he be, and exceeding tall as a green shod German. No reflection doth he cast in a looking-glass.
    Sir James: Looking-glass?
    Lady Andrea: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
    Sir James: Tall and dark be also Charmain, the sister of my father. More must I know.
    Lady Andrea: He has three of that which other men have but two.
    Sir James: ‘Tis a titillating titbit.
    Act 4, Scene 2. Another boudoir.
    Good Knight: Tell me of thy love, Sir James.
    Sir James: ‘Tis most passing strange, I didst expect not the unexpected thou guided I have been.
    (Enter Lady Andrea. Good Knight hides behind the arras.)
    Lady Andrea: To me thou must grant a boon, Sir James, I seek the death of Count Scaramanga.
    Sir James: Though thine lover he be?
    Lady Andrea: He doth love me only when his duty is nigh. ‘Twas I who did send the gilded arrow.
    Sir James: Most tardy have I been on the uptake.
    Act 5, Scene 1. A foreign place of sport.
    Sir James: I have come as bidden, Lady Andrea.
    Count Scaramanga: With a gilded arrow have I killed the lady, Sir James, for two masters a mistress cannot serve.
    Sir James: Thou hast made a mistake.
    Count Scaramanga: Stake? Wherefore....? Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
    Jeff Geff: I prithee, partake of a peanut.
    Act 5, Scene 2. A carriage.
    The Sheriff Of Pepper: Display to me this carriage, youngblood.
    Sir James: Indeed I shall.
    The Sheriff of Pepper: Thee I doth knowest. Thou be yon English agent of discretion, from England thou dost hail.
    Sir James: Most surely I am, youngblood.
    Act 6, Scene 1. An island.
    Count Scaramanga: I bid thee welcome, Sir James. Dost thou carry garlic?
    Sir James: Garlic?
    Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. A toast, Sir James, the best we are!
    Sir James: Thine word hath four letters, as with another word of much use with which replete thou doth be.
    Good Knight: On this island forever I could stay.
    Count Scaramanga: To a duel I thee challenge, Sir James!
    (Count Scaramanga is slain by a wooden model of Sir Roger Moore. Or mayhap the real one, hard to tell it be.)
    Act 6 , Scene 3 . Still another boudoir.
    Good Knight: Oh, Sir James, I did believe this moment cometh not!
    Sir James: Good night, Good Knight. No need to fear.
    (Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
  • TigerTanakaTigerTanaka Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond
    Posts: 50
    Tis a titillating titbit :))
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    edited February 2015 Posts: 17,647
    Here's one by me:

    BREATH SHALL N'ER LEAVE THE COMING DAY
    Act 1, Scene 1. A bizarre where one may obtain the slings and arrows of outrageous treachery.
    Sir James offers fire to a varlet's pipe.
    Sir James: A unsuitable pursuance to long life!
    He subdues said varlet and does make off with yon catapult letting havoc slip in his path.
    Intermission. Arrows fly & Maidens dance not fully clothed. A wench sings.
    Act 2, Scene 1. A chariot swiftly racing.
    Lady Miles: Sir James, what know you of the York of Carver?
    Sir James: He whose lies are surely his means. And in expanding them a gain in power holds.
    Lady Miles: His bride did you know in times past. Plow then her fertile fields, and make the seeds of knowledge grow, so you may learn to know.
    Money of Penny: To your discretion then is left the extent of the turning of the earth.
    Act 2, Scene 2. A party.
    Sir James: I am he who is called Bond. James Bond. I see to funds securing wealth.
    York of Carver: Men of coin I surely have on me like fleas of the Plague.
    Whaylin: Your work I do love; I prithee an audience as under curtain of night in I did sneak.
    Lady Paris: Sir James, in truth doth under a pillow yet thy weapon still live?
    Act 3, Scene 1. An Inn.
    Lady Paris: Through his wizards you are know to him.
    Sir James: I can away you from his reach this day!
    Lady Paris: Nay! His reach is great! ...My fields need vigorous tending nonetheless...
    Act 5, Scene 2. The Inn again.
    Dr. Kaufman: Terribly did she struggle, Sir James I say, as will you sooner than the coming day.
    Stamper (yelling through window): Access to the satchel in which is stored the key his horse will not easily grant!
    Dr. Kaufman: Did alert & query the local equestrian expert, you?
    Stamper: Want to alert & query him do YOU? Bring him to calm the beast!
    Sir James overcomes Dr. Kaufman with his own sword and escapes.
    Act 6, Scene 1. A beach.
    Whaylin: Boring and tedious work is this, however in new adventure with spoilt adolescent cohorts from distant lands, a break from tradition arises!
    Sir James: The correct spoilt adolescent corhort you have truly found!
    Act 7, Scene 1. A ship at sea.
    York of Carver: Sir James my man of anchor truly is!
    (Whaylin kicks at him)
    York of Carver: Pugilism is the work of men, laugh do I heartily at this display then.
    (Tall Germanic onlooker smirks)
    Act 8, Scene 4. The bowels of the ship.
    Sir James stabs the varlet Stamper nine times.
    Stamper: NINE?!?!?! (dies)
    Act 9, Scene 1. The yardarm.
    York of Carver: I prithee, WHY Sir Bond??
    Sir James: In times past and times to come, a public show needs please more than some.
    (to his death Carver swum)
    Act 10, Scene 1
    Whaylin: Sir James, I must exclaim OH!
    (Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
  • PropertyOfALadyPropertyOfALady Colders Federation CEO
    Posts: 3,675
    Some major publisher should gather these and put them in a book.
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,647
    Some major publisher should gather these and put them in a book.
    From your post to their ears!

  • PropertyOfALadyPropertyOfALady Colders Federation CEO
    Posts: 3,675
    Johnathan Cape perhaps? I think I would want to try writing one, but I would perhaps damage the image.
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