AJB007 Forum presents:
Act 1, Scene 1. A foreign place. (Enter Sir James with a comely wench)
Wench: But, Sir James, wherefore must we wear the habit of those who are deceased?
Sir James: ‘Tis the day when the dead are alive, yet the opposite I must make so.
(Enter Signor Sciarra)
Sir James: Hold, sir!
(They struggle. Signor Sciarra boards a winged chariot, pursued by Sir James. They struggle more. Sir James emerges victorious, clutching Signor Sciarra’s ring)
Intermission. Maidens dance with a cephalopod. An Englishman sings squeakily.
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir Gareth: In such foreign places thou hast no mission, Naught Naught Seven. An account of thine intent I doth require with no delay.
Sir James: No mission had I, Sire, ‘twas merely my leisure.
Sir Gareth: From thine duty I doth relieve thee, with immediate effect.
(Enter Lord Max Moriarty)
Lord Max: I prithee, forgive mine interruption.
Sir Gareth: No interruption hast thou caused. Naught Naught Seven, pray greet Lord Max Moriarty to whom high authority hast been granted.
Sir James: Hail to thee, Lord Max, may I address thee as a “C”?
Lord Max: Nay, nay, thou may call me “Max”.
Sir James: Nay, to me thou shalt ever be a C.
Sir Gareth: Enough, Naught Naught Seven, leave us now.
Act 2, Scene 2. (In an exterior courtyard Moneypenny a most beautiful English maiden approaches Sir James)
Moneypenny: Good Knight, the Queen's guards hath given up this treasure chest from thy former castle
Sir James: Bringeth it anon to mine own new castle, at evensong.
(Later, at the abode of Sir James)
Moneypenny: Hast thou but recently acquired these new lodgings?
Sir James: Nay!
Moneypenny: All the yeomen of Her Majesty do converse that thou art vanquished.
Sir James: And what doth thee bethink ?
Moneypenny: I bethinks thou art just at the starteth of a new quest!
(Sir James reveals a new tapestry, from his former most noble lady. Togeth'r those gathered heareth h'r voice)
Dame Miles: Sir James, my most valiant knight. I wish thou to endeth the earthly toil of a most
Vile knave, And misseth not the blaggard’s burial.
(Later by torchlight Sir James opens the treasure chest from his family castle, and muses on its contents)
Act 2, Scene 3. The Young Wizard’s lair.
Young Wizard: ‘Tis most pleasant to see thee, Naught Naught Seven, most pleasant. Behold this magnificent steed, fashioned by the DB5th Earl of Aston and the Viscount Martin. For thee it was intended, but alas, Sir Gareth hath decreed it for Naught Naught Nine.
William of Tanner: Sir Gareth hath also decreed that in thine crystal ball thou shalt know the whereabouts of Naught Naught Seven at all times, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Most surely it shall be done, but alack this cannot be till the rooster has crowed one time.
(Sir James doth look exceedingly unhappy)
Young Wizard:....two times.
(Sir James smiles)
Young Wizard: A boon I have for thee, Naught Naught Seven, behold this enchanted timepiece!
Sir James: Pray tell, Young Wizard, in what manner be it enchanted?
Young Wizard: Exceeding loud be its chiming...
Act 3, Scene 1. A funeral.
Sir James: Widow Sciarra, with thee I must have words.
Widow Sciarra: And what ist thy name, sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Widow Sciarra: Canst thou not see that I grieve?
Sir James: Nay, though thine immense hotness be readily apparent.
Widow Sciarra: Mine husband ist dead, be thou his slayer?
Sir James: Yea, it is so. Thou shalt dine with me forthwith, and impart unto me thine husband’s business.
Widow Sciarra: Nay, to thee I shalt tell nothing. Thou hast mine husband slain, and me in danger’s path hast thou placed, yet thou seekest mine help. Wherefore should I tell thee?
(Sir James kisses the Widow)
Widow Sciarra: Okay, fair enough, I will tell thee...
Act 3, Scene 2. Exterior of Italian castle.
(Sir James alights from his silver steed and approaches a doorway)
Italian Guard: Unfold yourself, asshole. who is't art thee?
Sir James: Mickey Mouse am I, who is't art thee?
(Sir James enters as a gathering begins......... A female apothecary is speaking .....)
Apothecary: In matters of business I must report great success, to all our endeavours has been granted profit. Our production of 5000 fake little fingers of the Lord to be sold to the sick and infirm as a unique holy relic has met with great success.
(Enter the Comte de Blofeld, with attendants)
Comte: I prithee, do continue.
Apothecary: ...though the loss of Signor Sciarra must be addressed by us forthwith, his mission with regard to Ye Pale King must be continued.
Comte: I do seek one who would such a trust undertake.
Doomed Man: Henceforth I shall be thine choice, for no better can be found.
Comte: In this room are there those who would object?
(Enter Yeoman Hinx)
Doomed Man: Oh, shi.... (He ist slain by Yeoman Hinx)
Comte: Yeoman Hinx, thou shalt carry on the mission of Signor Sciarra regarding Ye Pale King. But hold, we doth have a visitor this day. Hello, Sir James- cuckoo!
(Sir James looks around in confusion, as do the audience)
Italian Guard: I bear greetings, Topolino.
(Sir James slays the guard and exits, pursued by Yeoman Hinx)
Act 3, Scene 3. (Sir James is atop the trusty silver steed assigned to Naught Naught Nine, pursued by Yeoman Hinx.)
Sir James: Maid MoneyPenny, wherefore art thou?
Maid MoneyPenny: I am here, Sir James, awaiting your pleasure Sire.
Sir James: Maid MoneyPenny, forsooth. It seems events of late in the Frankish Empire, the Arab-Berbers, the Aztecs, are all connected by one brethren. Hast thou knowledge?
(From off, a Varlet sounds, asking Maid MoneyPenny with whom she discourses so late.)
Maid MoneyPenny to the Varlet: It is my Lord, whose purse has been swiped, now prithee go back to sleep, perchance to dream. Ahem.
Sir James: Maid MoneyPenny, who is the Varlet who seeks to occupy thy chamber?
Maid MoneyPenny (blushing): None of thy beeswax. Sir James, of this brethren, this has knowledge: 'tis the Pale King thou sleekest, of late in Altausee near the Frankish border.
Sir James: Fair MoneyPenny, pray tell, hast thou knowledge of another, Graf Francis of Uber-Castle? Before and after his passing from this mortal coil?
Maid MoneyPenny : Sir James, hast thou been knocking back the mead again? While you are atop your trusty steed? Hmmm...
(Sir James spurs on his steed, away from Yeoman Hinx but into the path of a humble peasant atop a small donkey. With one snort, Sir James's steed gallops ahead and noses the donkey into a trough, to the peasant's chagrin. Sir James, whose steed has been fed much green vegetables and broth by the Young Wizard, pauses to light the mighty steed's flatulent emission into the oncoming path of Yeoman Hinx. But alas, the steed is overcome, and tosses Sir James like buckaroo before plunging into the river. Yeoman Hinx retires)..
Act 3, Scene 4.The lair of Ye Pale King
Pale King: Though e'er I have known that death would wear a familiar face, truly n'er did I think 'twould be thine.
Sir James: Talk we must, Pale King, for thine title did arise at a meeting I did attend.
Pale King: Most flattering it is that thine masters in Albion still do refer to me.
Sir James: ‘Twas not in Albion, but in Rome. Behold this ring.
Pale King: Thou art but a kite adrift in a hurricane, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou must tell me where I canst find thine leader.
Pale King: Everywhere he ist! He doth drink mead with thine friends, he doth sup with thine family, he ist in bed with thine lover!
Sir James: Protect thee from him I shalt.
Pale King: Nay, thou must protect mine daughter- she is in a place of medicine, high atop a mountain. Farewell, Sir James! (Dies at his own hand)
Act 4, Scene 1. A place of medicine, high atop a mountain.
Maid Madeleine: These draperies I shalt close, lest ye find the view distracting.
Sir James: This I had not noticed.
Maid Madeleine: Thou hast not thine scroll completed, Sir James, forsooth I must ask thee some questions. Dost thee exercise?
Sir James: When it has to be done, this I doth do.
Maid Madeleine: And doth thine duty bring thee stress?
Sir James: It has been known to.
Maid Madeleine: Doth thee partake of strong beverages?
Sir James: Alack, too often this doth occur.
Maid Madeleine: And thou hast not enscribed here thine occupation, wherefore is that?
Sir James: Enscribed, ‘tis not a pleasant thing. I doth bring death.
Maid Madeleine: From my father thou hast been sent!
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, alas thine father ist dead.
Maid Madeleine: Leave me at once, I wish no part of this.
Later, in ye bar.
Steward: Good day, sir, may I help thee?
(Enter a distraught man clad in a knitted sweater and cap)
Distraught Man: Verily, we are all in the wrong country! A calamous error has been done! (Exits)
Sir James: I prithee, who ist that?
Steward: I ken not, but he hath done that three and twenty times already today. Mayhap thou wouldst care for a beverage, good sir?
Sir James: Most verily. Bring me mead, let it be shaken and not stirred.
Steward: Forgive me, for here strong beverages are not served.
Sir James: For this place I now carry great affection....
Young Wizard: Steward, bring Sir James a health-giving flavoured milk.
Sir James: Nay, steward, throw such a drink into the privy.
Young Wizard: Thou must return with me, Naught Naught Seven, for I am in service of Sir Gareth and must give sustenance to my two cats.
Sir James: Nay, Young Wizard, you must take this ring and uncover its secrets with thine enchantments.
Act 5, Scene 1. A boarding house in a foreign place.
Sir James: So, this be The Atlantian Inn?
Maid Madeleine: Aye, 'tis where my father first took my mother to bed after their wedding. I prithee, Sir James, let no similar ideas cross thine mind lest I slay thee.
Sir James: Let the thought perish! Thou must sleep, while I do partake of this convenient bottle of wine which I hath found...
(Six bottles of wine later, a mouse doth run across the floor. Sir James rather unsteadily threatens the mouse with his sword.)
Sir James: Who doth thee worketh for?
Mouse: Mine mistress, the lady doth wear the trousers in the family.
Sir James: The mouse talks!
Mouse: 'Tis apparent that mice do talk, for did not my cousin Mickey speak in Rome?
Sir James: Guide me to the Comte de Blofeld’s castle!
Mouse: Only for a sip of thy hearty wine, valorous sire.
Sir James: With this I hath no problem. Awake, Maid Madeleine!
Act 6 Scene 1. A carriage ride in the country.
Maid Madeleine: Thee should not stare at mine garment.
Sir James: Thee shouldn't behold like that! And concluded, be it I wast admiring the water lilies outside the quite quaint carriage (awkward pause)
Sir James: Wilt thee drinketh the devil's drinketh, mine lady?
Maid Madeleine: If 't be true I doth findeth myself in error.
Sir James: We must has't that! Er.. I mean, must not has't that.
Maid Madeleine: I wilt has't Soiled Mead.
Sir James: Soiled Mead! (Aside) The maiden is a white lamb desiring to be’est tupped. I shalt has't to attend to yon beast with two backs!
Maid Madeleine: Wherefore didst thee becometh a knight?
Sir James: A knight hath a paid check, ye latest trustworthy steed and he killeth men without arriving in a dungeon! (Carriage slows, Yeoman Hinx enters carriage)
Sir James: Is this the large Yeoman Hinx I see ere me?
(They tussle, Sir James and Maid Madeleine both throw Yeoman Hinx off the carriage, carriage runs over Hinx)
Yeoman Hinx: Fornication under Consent of the Ki-
(Carriage reverses and runs over Yeoman Hinx again. ‘Tis possible he be deceased...thou knowest, as with Jaws)
Maid Madeleine: What doth we doeth now, Sir James?
Sir James: Cometh, alloweth us giveth in to earthly desires, while listening to young squire Sam Smith serenade us with his fiddle.
Act 6, Scene 3. A villain’s lair.
Comte: Welcome to mine easily-inflammable base. Wherefore hast thou come here, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: To slay thee ist mine intent.
Comte: Nay, thou hast come here to die!
Sir James: ‘Tis merely a matter of perspective, Graf Francis... or is it Beech? A little confused am I.
Comte: Well, this we would not want. I am the Comte de Blofeld, and I doth be thine brother, Mr Powers, er, I mean Sir James. Now let me strap you to this easily-escapable torture chair.
(Enter Scott de Blofeld, accompanied by Higgins and Asp9mm)
Scott: Wherefore dost thou not merely slay him, father?
Scott: In my chambers have I a good sharp sword, pray permit me to...
Comte: Nay, Scott, this thou just doth not get.
Comte: Sshh! Here have I a big bag of sshh!
(Exit Scott de Blofeld, grumbling)
Comte: Now, Sir James, I shall subject you to a most painful torture.
Maid Madeleine: Nay! Let it not be so!
Sir James: Worry ye not, fair maiden, take my enchanted timepiece and all will be well.
(She does, and all is well with remarkable ease.)
Act 6, Scene 4. The throne room of Lord Max Moriarty.
(Lord Max enters to find Sir Gareth and the Young Wizard awaiting)
Lord Max: In faith, 'tis my belief that you are trespassing here!
Sir Gareth: Nay, Lord Max, I but question your taste in friends and am putting an end to thine evil schemes.
Lord Max: For this thou art responsible?
Sir Gareth: Nay, but my Young Wizard is.
Lord Max: For this thou shalt die!
(Lord Max draws his sword but finds the end has been blunted)
Sir Gareth: Marry, 'tis now we know what "C" stands for:
(They doth struggle, and Lord Max falls from a great height)
Young Wizard: Be he dead, Sire?
Sir Gareth: 'Tis to be hoped, although Sir Sherlock hath slain him several times and he doth keep returning.
Act 6, Scene 5. Ye ruins of Vauxhall Castle, the walls bearing likenesses of Lady Lynd, Le Lecter, Dame Miles, and others.
Comte: Again we meet, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou dost bear a scar, Comte, 'tis my hope it doth not hurt thee too much.
Comte: Nay, though the acquisition of it did not bring me pleasure, or indeed Pleasence.
Sir James: In this castle I knowest thou hath hidden the fair Madeleine.
Comte: Yea, and thine task it shall be to find her ere this castle shall be laid waste to.
(It is night, and the Comte de Blofeld harangues Sir James.)
Comte: 'Ere the rooster crows thrice, Lady Madeleine shall be reduced to naught. There is Greek fire placed in all nooks and crannies in 'this castle, hence it will go up in flames faster than a Greek royal treasure chest. So shal't thou save thyself and live with the pain, or attempt to save ye fair lady and fail in thy task? Heheh.
Sir James: Vile Comte, not Sir, - alas (nor Savalas) thou be! Grr.
Comte: Thou speak truly Sir James, and to thy task I commend you like a brother who knows thy secret switches...
(Exit the Comte stage left, as the rooster begins its first crow. Sir James withdraws his sword and races through the castle, until he spies ye fair maiden astride her throne)
Sir James: Lady Madeleine! (He plucks her from ye throne and, running, espies the absence of a central spiral staircase through which he plots his escape)
Sir James: Fair Lady, dost thou trust me?
Lady Madeleine: Do I have a choice?
Sir James: Hmm, the very words the Lady Camille spoke to me when I as't her show me ye Green Lord's Tierra Project... And look how that worked out...
Act 6, Scene 6. The River Thames.
(Sir James and Maid Madeleine doth pursue the Comte de Blofeld in boats)
Comte: Thou shalt not surpass mine vessel, Sir James!
Sir James: So sure art thou, Comte de Blofeld...?
Maid Madeleine: His ship is out of reach of thine sword, Sir James, our pursuit ist doomed to fail.
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, give unto me thine nailfile.
(Sir James aims carefully and with an accuracy which doth astound certain members he striketh the most vulnerable spot on the Comte's vessel, forcing him onto land at Tower Bridge.)
Sir James: Now I have thee!
Comte: Then let it be finished now. Slay me, Sir James!
(Sir James looks around to spy Maid Madeleine at one end of ye bridge, and Sir Gareth at ye other. Both beckon and await.)
Sir James: Nay, Comte, thou shalt.... die another day.
Comte: (Groans) Nay, for Madonna I cannot bear.
Sir James: Marry, even worse it could be- thou shalt have to find... another way to die!
Comte: Oh please, nay, not that one... I prithee, slay me!
(Sir James walks to Maid Madeleine, and the two doth enter his silver carriage, miraculously repaired by the Young Wizard. They ride off.)
Sir James Bond shalt return
The work of (in alphabetical order)
Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, James Suzuki, Number 24, and @Thunderpussy.
You can read more on AJB here:
Yes, thank you for that. I was asked by a mod over there to post this here so members here could get a chance to read this and give their views on it. Hope to hear back from some members here!
I will share some more of them once the SPECTRE one gets read (and hopefully discussed).